The Lineup
B.I.R. Column Of Fame
Man of Steel... Wood... and Mud: Bear Grylls
Rock Legend: Tom Morello

League Gods: The Emperor and Alfie

Str-8 Shoota: Malcolm X

Str-8 Shoota: Zack de la Rocha

Super Bad mofo's

Comrade Hillary

Friday, June 29, 2007

TV3 take note ... 

Only cowards with no shred of journalistic integrity lead with Paris Hilton. Frankly, your news editors are fuckwits.

On a cheerier note: some predictions for Round 14.

Knights v Rabbitohs - oh fuck me. Umm, the Rabbits.

Titans v Warriors - without Price, the Warriors look lame. Titans in a close one.

Panthers v Broncos - the Panthers should win given the Origin effect on Brisbane. But I don't think they will. Go Broncos!!!

Raiders v Tigers - could be close. Raiders.

Dragons v Eagles - Eagles.

Dogs v Roosters - Who normally wins when canids take on fowl? Canids of course. Dogs.

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Thursday, June 28, 2007


Honestly, has Jim Anderton encountered anything he doesn't want to ban? While I have no opinion on the meirts of party pills, one way or the other, I do respect the right of others to choose what to put into their bodies.

They are responsible for any subsequent actions which adversely effect the rights of others (beyond "being a mild nuisance"), but this is true whether they take party pills, aspirin, sudafen, heineken, oxygen, or whateverin. But it is no business of the state to decide what people ingest or smoke, etc., in the first instance.

I am willing to concede there might be a drug that has the almost universal effect of engendering extremely antisocial behaviour, and might reasonably be prohibited on those grounds. But my hunch is that the "cure" of prohibition would still be worse than the initial problem. And in any case party pills sure don't fit the bill of universal menace.

Honestly, this shit just gives the state one more reason to take away your liberties and incarcerate you for doing what you want to your own body.

So, yet again, we tell Mr Anderton (and his prohibitionist ilk - I'm looking at you Peter Dunne) to fuck off and leave us alone.

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Monday, June 25, 2007

Fucking bumpkins 

Two 14 year olds rob a house of a cache of guns, including a .303 hunting rifle, then take off on a horse, before switching (very sensibly) to a Ford Falcon XR6 "sports saloon." (Who the fuck knew anyone still called them "sports saloons"?). Locals are reported to be "angered" because "these things happen only in Auckland".

Yeah, too fucking right ... every house is practically overflowing with hunting rifles up here in the big smoke. These massive urban arsenals practically beg your average 14 year old to break in and take off on the nearest horse. I can hardly sleep some nights for the noise of gunshots further down the ghetto.

For fuck's sake, why does the media report this rubbish? I sleep fine except for the boy-racers on Friday night (hardly unique to Auckland, eh?) and the local kids discovering a cache of ... fireworks ... once in a while. As for guns ... never owned one, never fired one, lived in Auckland 25 odd years. I'd be next to useless in the forthcoming Zombie apocalypse.


The other week another bumpkin told me they didn't want all the beaches in the area developed "like what's happened up in Auckland." So, that would explain why, within a 25 minute drive of my house, I can be walking along Bethells Beach, feeling like it's the end of the earth, with not another person (let alone a house) to be seen?

Back to our 14 year old armed offenders ... PC Plod has already made the link to "American-style video game[s]." Fuck, I knew the Americans were responsible for this somehow! Of course, if there was a GTA: Sydney or GTA: Saigon developed by non-American programmers no one would play it. (Disclaimer: such games may already exist, for all I know). Why stop with video games though? Surely Bonnie and Clyde are the original "American bad examples for youth" (TM)?

You can guess who the bumpkins blame for coastal development too ... Americans.

Someone tell Tariana Turia!!

I've used "fuck" a lot in this post in an effort to boost our unacceptability for young eyes. So far mingle has only picked up:

* shit (6x)
* fuck (4x)
* crap (3x)
* hell (2x)
* fucking (1x)

Online Dating

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Friday, June 22, 2007

NRL Round 15 

Warriors vs Panthers - Warriors
Manly vs Bulldgos - Bulldogs
Radiers vs Cowboys - Raiders
Roosters vs Eels - Roosters
Titans vs Knights - Titans
Rabbits vs Sharks - Rabbits
Storm vs Dragons - Storm
Broncos vs Tigers - Tigers

Someone show Darth the door 

How often can Darth George be allowed to write the same "country going to hell in handbasket" story? Honestly, he shovels out this reactionary shit at least once every six weeks. You get the sense things were so much better back in Holyoake's days ... men were men, hospital waiting rooms were empty, and you could drink, drive and speed with impunity.

This stock story from Darth alternates with his other favourite, a good cut'n'paste from the Bible, concluding with some banal statement to the effect that politicians should take note. It's easy to imitate.

Honestly, can't someone just show him the door, and send him packing to whichever provincial outpost he promised to go to? I nominate Oamaru ... cold, boring, white. Little changed since Holyoake was PM.

Also in today's news ... arrival of standard winter weather prompts media firestorm. Snow in the South Island, who'd have thunk it? These hacks can smell an easy story from 1000km away in a nice, warm, comfortable Auckland newsroom.


Thursday, June 21, 2007


That's right, I'm happy to announce the launch of a new lobby group, the Society Against Media Induced Hysteria Over Power Cuts (SAMIHOPC - a very memorable acronym I feel).

Target #1: The Dominion Post

A 40 minute power cut one evening in Auckland's leafy North Shore suburbs "caused chaos" apparently.

How so? Well, "the power outage disrupted movies and meal orders." No shit Sherlock. Now if this was a regular occurrence - as it in fact is in much of the world - it might be cause for comment. As it was, however, the brief cut caused a minor and very temporary interruption to commercial operations, much as one would expect.

How cynical of us here at SAMIHOPC: what if vital medical procedures were disrupted??? Well, they weren't:
North Shore Hospital spokeswoman Bryony Hilless said it switched to its emergency generators as soon as the power went off and only non-essential areas were affected.

"Our emergency management plan went perfectly and staff were calm."

Perhaps, as every Aucklander would suspect, the real chaos was on the roads?
Even lights on the harbour bridge, traffic lights and traffic monitoring cameras were out. "It was pretty black. Everyone was making for home very quickly."

How on earth can people drive without street lights and traffic monitoring cameras you might ask? Well, relatively sensibly it seems.

Update: wait there's still more!!

Target #2: The New Zealand Herald (for uncritical reporting of bullshit)

The fact that Mt Albert Grammar had to close for half a day yesterday, and an afternoon of "learning" was lost, is officially "a disaster".

One might think a school principal would be slightly more judicious in his use of language. Mt Albert Grammar being wiped out by a volcanic eruption - say, from nearby Mt Albert, ... now that would qualify as "a disaster".

Missing an afternoon of "learning" is, at worst, "a mild inconvenience" for staff and parents, and "a joyous occasion" for pupils.


Wednesday, June 20, 2007

It's All About Image 

Piri Weepu forever ruins the image of the All Blacks

Actually the rest of the team seemed to be learning how to fire machine guns at the range so maybe all is not lost.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Good grief 

The standard of TV news in New Zealand is truly plumbing new depths. Last night I had the misfortune to be flicking between TV1 and TV3 coverage (actually, misfortune is an exaggeration - it was actually amusing in a "train wreck" kind of way). Not that there's anything amusing about literal train wrecks of course.

TV3's lead: the daughter ("adopted daughter", sorry) of a former broadcaster, who appeared once or twice as a "model" on a gameshow of ill-repute has been arrested on drugs charges. Public interest value: approximately nil.

That led me to TV1 pretty quickly....

Other stories I saw during the night:

- An All Black talking about taking a crap before the game (honest!)

- A load of shit about a yacht race that is a week away

- An astrologist trying to "predict" outcome of said yacht race. Flip a coin, randominanity style, and you'd be better off.

- 30 seconds coverage of the Warriors win on both channels, with about 15 seconds in each case focussed on Patrick Ah Van dropping the ball.

- A 5 minute advertorial for the rugby world cup at the end of the TV3 news, flogging apartments in Paris and Eurodrive Peugeots.

Update: Day Two of the Millie Holmes Saga

Both TV1 and TV3 led with Millicent last night. And this morning's DomPost reports breathlessly that her hair was "tousled" and she wasn't wearing makeup (the hussy!). I just don't get it ... it's even more pathetic than the "celebrity drugs scandal" the media ran with for months.

Millie isn't a celebrity. Not even an d-grade celebrity like Brent Todd. Rather, she's the daughter of a semi-retired f-grade celebrity. Again, drink-addled journalists' faux-shock over people using (and presumably enjoying) drugs is on display too. (No offence Random).

Meanwhile, even TV3 reporters think their world cup advertorial was crap.

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Saturday, June 16, 2007

Welcome to the fucken 1870s 

For fucks sakes sort this shit out

Anybody in ALL of NZ should expect to have their baby delivered "free of charge" without complications ie. natural in a hospital or through a casaerian in a hospital 99 million times out of 99 million and ten. Unless you have chosen to live in a secret location on the west coast of fucken no where you should expect that our healthcare service is up to shit... EVERYWHERE.

Our midwife service last year was mediocre in general but at least we actually had people on deck to fuck it up rather than nobody at all to fuck it up.

Sopranos spoilers...

Anyway... on to more important things. I just saw the final Sopranos episode (downloaded of course through a dodgy Korean website). I'd already checked out the ending online as I was so involved in the series that I didn't want to be surprised (in a negative way being a bitch as wuss as I am, afterall I told my classes today how I cried after taking a header on the luge at Rotorua when I was 13).

David Chase publicly said before the final episode that he was open to a movie so it was obvious to me at least that Tony was going to survive any carnage that there may be. Of course there was no carnage and the ending was brilliantly open ... as everybody has commented on.... but actually it wasn't really. Meadow approached the door with nobody near her to the left or right. If anybody was going to beat her to the door they would have to be wearing a blue cape with red letters saying IOU in blood on them. Tony clearly looked up to the sound of the door, not the toilet with that hired two bit 'actor' who has not appeared in any previous episodes despite what may have been said elsewhere. There was an interview with him in a San Fransico newspaper about how he auditioned for the part and got it but had no freakin idea about what would happen to his appearnance (ie. was the guy at the bar who went to take a crap while Tony and fam were waiting for their onion rings... I'm hungry). He had never been in any previous episodes.

Chase has said that he doesn't have any ideas for a movie but if he has a sudden brain wave or somebody else comes up with a brilliant idea then it's on baby.

I also think the ending is so damn good because I've seen the series countless times and will now be quite happy to sit through it all again, whereas if Tony got the smack handed down I'd probably be less likely. Chase knows this shit and is probably cashing up. But at the same time it's the type of ambiguous ending that is suitable. Everybody has wondered for god knows how many months and years what would happen and this basically says: "What do YOU think would happen?".

I missed the first couple of series with my sister going on about how I'd love them. I was in Korea at the time so couldn't watch them on the tellie.

I bought series one in Korea on DVD and sat down and fell in love right from the get go. I used to invite my American mate up to my apartment and we would watch the series 4 episodes at a time with a few bourban and cokes to wash it down. I tried to buy series 2 and 3 in Korea after they were out but was told there that they didn't exist (yeah right). Every time I came back to NZ from Korea I bought the latest series.

I'm wondering what the fuck has happened to series 6 because it wasn't available from anywhere and everywhere when it was supposedly released (March 7) and Whitcoulls didn't return my courteous email so fuck those chunts (chithead+aunties).

Anyhow. I am picking the Sharks to savage the Warriors which will put Cleary on his deathbed if it happens. Deep down I figure the Warriors have the team to potentially win any game they play this year which is hardcase, but the game plan they have and the halves combination limits them considerably.

They need more dynamic halves, an attacking centre, and some backrowers who can offlaod in the tackle.

Sadly the numbers of club footballers in NZ has dropped massively thanks to the fucking incompetent NZRL.

About the only second grade footballer who might by worth a punt is Sonny Fai who is bloody young and has the hands of Manu Vatuvai. He wasn't even the 10th best footballer in the Bartercard Cup last year so don't get your hopes up. If you are interested though check out Maori TV on Saturday or Sunday at 2pm. The saturday game is live and the sunday game is delayed from saturday. It's obviously not the NRL but it's decent rugby league by and large and believe it or not a fair few of these guys will wind up playing NRL in the next decade.

Problem is that we will have several good NRL players running round in NZ right now who will end up in Aussie NRL teams in years to come simply because we didn't notice them.

I am currently comprising a list of NZers in the NRL whci I'll throw out into the red zone sometime in the next week or so. I've done the Broncos, Bulldogs, Sea Eagles, Storm, and Cowboys...

Right after I've marked my 7th form geo practice papers where I had to tell them the answers, foolios!!!

Peace to the world and happiness to all of woman kind and my wife.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

State against State, and Round 14 

I missed last week's tipping, and the subsequent fallout, due to being in Australia and not wanting to spend a fortune in an internet cafe.

Since I'm away again for the second half of this week (though, unfortunately, no where as exotic as Australia), I'd better get my tips in early.

First, tonight is State of Origin II. Queensland are the better team, but I can't see NSW being beaten at home. Plus, there's a danger of the Maroons believing their own hype. See the latest from Trevor "the axe" Gillmeister by way of illustration.

NSW 25 - QLD 10 (and it pains me to write this).

Second, it's round 14 people!

Bulldogs v Broncos - how much do I hate the bulldogs? Sure they're at home, and sure, Brisbane will be suffering with more players backing up from State of Origin, but there's no way in hell I will pick the dogs in this match-up. Brisbane by 1-12.

Sea Eagles v Rabbitohs - Sea Eagles by 13+.

Sharks v Warriors - Sharks. Hard to see the Warriors breaking their terrible run on the road, in Sydney, against a form side. And with Manu Vatevai.

Panthers v Roosters - Panthers.

Cowboys v Storm - What a sweet match up. Almost guaranteed to be a great game ... I don't really mind who wins. Cowboys have the home advantage, but the Storm are perhaps a slightly better team. Storm in a close one.

Eels v Dragons - Eels.

Tigers v Titans - Tigers.

Knights v Raiders - Yawn. Knights.


Friday, June 08, 2007

NRL Round 13 

Ha, if you thought you had a bad weekend last week check out these suckers:
$20,000 @ $1.31 ON BRIS/ MELB MULTI
$20,000 @ $1.90 ON BRISBANE -8.5 V ST GEO ILLAWARRA
$15,000 @ $1.85 ON BRISBANE -8.5 V ST GEO ILLAWARRA
$11,000 @ $1.90 ON BRISBANE -8.5 V ST GEO ILLAWARRA
$7,000 @ $1.75 ON BRISBANE -8.5 V ST GEO ILLAWARRA
$7,000 @ $1.70 ON BRISBANE -8.5 V ST GEO ILLAWARRA
$6,000 @ $1.70 ON BRISBANE -8.5 V ST GEO ILLAWARRA
$5,000 @ $1.90 ON MANLY -6.5 V PENRITH
$5,000 @ $1.60 ON SYD ROOSTERS -6.5 V NEWCASTLE
$3,500 @ $1.80 ON BRISBANE -8.5 V ST GEO ILLAWARRA

Yip that's right. St George beat Brisbane, Newcastle beat the Roosters, the Bulldogs beat the Warriors and Penrith beat Manly.

How peoploe can justify unloading on Brisbane and the Roosters who have won a handful of games between them this year beats me.

Anyways, my tips for this week:

Rabbitohs v Panthers - Panthers
Raiders v Eels - Raiders although wouldn't be surprised if the Eels sneak home
Roosters v Cowboys - Roosters (Solely because of the heavily Origin depleted Cowboys side)
Warriors v Storm - Warriors (ditto)
Knights v Wests Tigers - Tigers
Dragons v Sharks - Sharks

Thursday, June 07, 2007

London Olympic Logo 

This logo looks like two people playing pass the sausage standing up!

The one on the right has the sausage (their head is where the rings are and they are facing to the left with their curved body and legs below with their knees jutting out). And the one on the left (the london part is their outstretched arms) is facing to the right and is fumbling with the sausage.

The one on the left has their head rocked back and is really enjoying it!!!

It's graffitti pornography in the olympics. Brilliant!!

I can't take it anymore 

Hola folks, there's been a few things really getting on my tits lately and it's about time I got them off my chest!

Firstly, he may be an ignorance-spreading self-righteous cock, but can't help but agree with ol' Peter Dunne's comments in the Herald this morning about politicians/the Prime Minister trying to score some political brownie points by being seen grieving with the family of the lady who died following power being cut to her house.
"I do think that politicians in these situations have to be very, very careful about not milking an awful situation for their own opportunity."

Yip, I couldn't help noticing that over the last few days Helen Clark has been everywhere that the family have.

Call me cynical, but I can't help but wonder if her compassion is directly a product of Labour's and her dismal poll ratings that have been reported over the last few weeks?

Hmmm speaking of these polls how the fuck can a party (National) that has said nothing, done nothing, achieved nothing in recent months suddenly rocket up in the polls?

Can anyone say "fickle public" three times fast?

Anyways, on to another pet hate of mine - cheerleading masquerading as journalism:

This article titled:

"One cup down, one to go for Team NZ" includes the following '2,4,6,8 aren't team NZ great' analysis:
Team New Zealand lost the America's Cup to Alinghi in 2003. For four years they have planned and plotted their revenge. Today's win now lets them step back into the ring with their vanquisher.

....sounds like Rocky dialogue but it gets better....
It is the second time Team New Zealand has won the Louis Vuitton Cup. They won it in San Diego in 1995 and went on to beat Dennis Connor 5-0 in the America's Cup match. Let's hope it's an omen. Bring on the Swiss.

It reminds me of the last rugby world cup where the Herald ran the following impartial analysis:
Smart money on All Blacks, By ALAN PERROTT
Bookmakers in all major rugby nations have ignored the bluster from the English and Australian camps to establish the All Blacks as universal World Cup favourites. But keen punters will have to bet huge amounts to make an income out of John Mitchell's men, as the prices on New Zealand range from a minuscule R$1.10 in South Africa to a piffling A$2.40 in Australia.In New Zealand, the TAB has gradually dropped the All Blacks from NZ$2.85 to NZ$2 to avoid serious losses on the flood of money being laid on them.

You see, the problem is that when journalists start uncritically gunning for their home team, they forget to do their job - which is to impartially assess the facts.

Which is why at the last America's Cup the New Zealand public were being screamed at to be loyal from every concievable angle while everyone forgot to mention our boat could barely fucking float.

Opinion number 447:

Boy racers - yeah we've jumped on the bandwagon at bloggingitreal and shared our thoughts on society's number one ill - boy racing!

The menace, the horror, we need to crack down on these lawless, authority-spurning hooligans!

And it seems as a country we are: new bylaws popping up everywhere, manslaughter charges against drivers involved in fatal accidents here:

Yet it seems that when the police are directly implicated by impartial witnesses in fatal accidents in incredibly similar circumstances - then shit, they don't even carry out interviews.
The family of a teenager killed in a high-speed crash want to know if a police car was pursuing the vehicle before the accident after claims by two passengers and an independent witness.
Police say they were not chasing a Subaru WRX carrying four teenagers when it left the road at Dairy Flat, north of Auckland, on Easter Monday.
Front seat passenger Jamie Lance McElrea, 17, died the next day after he was thrown through the rear window and hit a lamp-post.
A police spokesman said the fatal crash was not being treated as a pursuit but the Police Complaints Authority had been notified.
"My understanding is that at the time of the crash there was no police pursuit in progress and in fact there had not been an actual pursuit taking place," said spokesman Kevin Loughlin.
He refused to go into detail, but said the Subaru had "attracted the attention" of a police officer in an unmarked car.
Mr Loughlin would not say what action was taken by the police officer but "he eventually came upon the scene and alerted the Serious Crash Unit".
Backseat passengers Kayla Hewison and Matthew Anderson, who were also thrown from the car, claim a police car was pursuing them before the crash - and Ms Hewison alleges the vehicles came into contact.
In a signed statement Ms Hewison, 18, said a police car was "right up our butts". She said "the cop pulled out of a street and started following us".

Gee, doesn't that sound familiar?

We weren't chasing them at the time of the accident, we "chanced upon it" later.
Miss Burgess died from multiple injuries including severe head injuries after the car she was driving was hit by motorcyclist Kuran William Brunton, 29, 10km south of Whangarei on the night of May 12 (2003).Police initially claimed after the accident that they had abandoned their pursuit of Brunton, which reached speeds of up to 190kmph. But the inquest heard that this was not strictly true -- a police car with sirens and flashing lights operating had followed Brunton right up to the time he crashed.

Not strictly true?

Errr, how about the police were fucking lying?

Anyways, back to the original story:
"Then the cops caught up to us, we had stopped at the intersection [of Pine Valley Rd and Kahikatea Flat Rd] then the cops were right up our butts. We went left, boosted it, cops were up our butts again. We felt a bang, we all went forward a bit then I remember sliding and then I remember starting to flip."......
Jamie's father Mark McElrea had also spoken to an independent witness who was passed by the speeding Subaru and a police car just before the crash.
Mr McElrea said a Dairy Flat resident travelling on Kahikatea Flat Rd told him the Subaru overtook him and his partner on a dangerous corner. He was overtaken about 50m further along the road by a police car with lights flashing.
"Less than a kilometre later he comes across the crash," Mr McElrea said.

Where's the consistency?

If a boy racer had rear-ended another in a race causing a fatal accident imagine the how many indignant newspaper column inches would have been devoted to the topic!

And imagine how quick the police would have been to charge the driver with manslaughter.

There fuck it I've said it.

Friday, June 01, 2007

NRL Round 12 

Panthers v Manly - Panthers
St George v Broncos - Broncos
Roosters v Knights - Knights
Cowboys v Sharks - Cowboys
Storm v Rabbits - Storm
Titans v Raiders - Raiders
Warriors v Bulldogs - Warriors (last chance)
Tigers v Eels - Tigers

Round 12 

Fresh off last week's triumphal tipping, I offer the following insights into the NRL, competition of giants. Actually, this week's matches seem a bit harder to pick.

Panthers v Sea Eagles - another triumph for the men from Manly-Warringah

Dragons v Broncos - The horses will slay the dragons good 'n proper.

Roosters v Knights - Best to miss this dire contest. Roosters.

Cowboys v Sharks - One of the better match-ups on offer. Back the Cowboys at home.

Storm v Rabbitohs - Not many rabbits will survive this storm. Sportfreak predicts a winning margin of over 6000 points, which is perhaps a bit optimistic.

Titans v Raiders - Again, a close one. Titans.

Warriors v Bulldogs - The Warriors won't have their legs humped by this mob. Warriors.

Tigers v Eels - Could be another good one. Eels.


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