Friday, October 07, 2005
"Beer"
"Beer" is believed to have been consumed by over 83% of the adult population of New Zealand at some stage in their lives and is particularly common amongst young people, slightly older people and slightly older people again, blue collar workers, white collar workers, men, women, retirees, war veterans and celebrities.
"Beer" can be purchased at the "liqour stores" mentioned in last week's exclusive ground-breaking BIR-NZH story. Or it can be purchased and consumed at places known as "bars", "clubs" and "pubs". This wide availability is due to the shameless promotional efforts of beer marketers ("peddlers"), whose product has been identified as a "gateway" drug leading to such menacing products as Mexican "tequila" (made from a cactus - possibly hallucinagenic) and "whisky" (made by evil Scotsmen). Experts warn, however, that beer is dangerous in itself, and it has been linked to obesity, diabetes, heart disease, liver failure, falling down, headaches, vomitting, partying, urination, and staying up late.
Blogging It Real in association with the New Zild Herald can exclusively reveal that a "beer culture" exists in parts of New Zealand, particularly rural and urban areas, in which people arriving at a friend's house are openly offered "a beer" within seconds of knocking on the front door. Occasionally, especially among women, this is substituted for "wine", another noxious drug, apparently made by peasants "stomping" grapes in the bare feet and then fermenting the resulting "juices". (Shockingly, some religious cults use this "wine" in their ceremonies, claiming it possesses "spiritual" significance, with some going as far as to say it can be transubstantiated!)
Blogging It Real calls upon Jim Anderton, Peter Dunnehill and all right-thinking New Zealander print media editors to call for the immediate prohibition of this product. Local coroners joined in the call for possession of beer (sold by the bottle or can) to be an offence punishable by up to 15 years imprisonment, and for suppliers to face castration, and not of the chemical variety, as the possession of castration chemicals is also an imprisonable offence.
Yours,
Yamis and DC_Red
Senior BIR editors
"Beer" can be purchased at the "liqour stores" mentioned in last week's exclusive ground-breaking BIR-NZH story. Or it can be purchased and consumed at places known as "bars", "clubs" and "pubs". This wide availability is due to the shameless promotional efforts of beer marketers ("peddlers"), whose product has been identified as a "gateway" drug leading to such menacing products as Mexican "tequila" (made from a cactus - possibly hallucinagenic) and "whisky" (made by evil Scotsmen). Experts warn, however, that beer is dangerous in itself, and it has been linked to obesity, diabetes, heart disease, liver failure, falling down, headaches, vomitting, partying, urination, and staying up late.
Blogging It Real in association with the New Zild Herald can exclusively reveal that a "beer culture" exists in parts of New Zealand, particularly rural and urban areas, in which people arriving at a friend's house are openly offered "a beer" within seconds of knocking on the front door. Occasionally, especially among women, this is substituted for "wine", another noxious drug, apparently made by peasants "stomping" grapes in the bare feet and then fermenting the resulting "juices". (Shockingly, some religious cults use this "wine" in their ceremonies, claiming it possesses "spiritual" significance, with some going as far as to say it can be transubstantiated!)
Blogging It Real calls upon Jim Anderton, Peter Dunnehill and all right-thinking New Zealander print media editors to call for the immediate prohibition of this product. Local coroners joined in the call for possession of beer (sold by the bottle or can) to be an offence punishable by up to 15 years imprisonment, and for suppliers to face castration, and not of the chemical variety, as the possession of castration chemicals is also an imprisonable offence.
Yours,
Yamis and DC_Red
Senior BIR editors
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