The Lineup
B.I.R. Column Of Fame
Man of Steel... Wood... and Mud: Bear Grylls
Rock Legend: Tom Morello

League Gods: The Emperor and Alfie

Str-8 Shoota: Malcolm X

Str-8 Shoota: Zack de la Rocha

Super Bad mofo's

Comrade Hillary

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Rugby Union or Football? It's all about the Refs! 

In the past I've blogged about what I consider to be the characteristics of a "good" game, at least of the run-(or skate)-with-the-ball-(or puck)-and-try -to-get-it-down-the-other-end variety. This was in large part in response to the New Zealand media's breathless enthusiasm for Union, which leads it to treat every game, no matter how stupendously crap, as an atheletic triumph propelling the sport to ever-great heights (etc).

Case in point: Monday's NZ Herald sports section leads with one and a half pages of Union, including the narrow victory of some of the 91 Union players currently representing New Zealand over the only people in Argentina who don't play football. Anyway, I digress.

Some of the qualities of a good sport are, in my opinion:

1/ There should seldom if ever be an incentive for the team in possession of the ball (or puck) to put it out of play.

2/ When the ball (or puck) does go out of play, the restart mechanism should be as swift and simple as possible (seeing as how the logic of these games actually depends on the ball (or puck) being, err, in play).

3/ There should seldom if ever be an incentive for the team in possession of the ball (or puck) to give it to the other side.

4/ Under normal circumstances, the referee/umpire should not be a dominant person in the game. Generally, the more contrived and complex the rules, the more likely this is to occur.

Now, not suprisingly, Rugby Union fails on all four counts (but then I have a long standing antipathy to the game). But the key message from the FIFA World Cup so far is that football is also failing on Count 4 ... even the fans are surprised by the extent to which the Refs are stamping their (often stupid) marks on the game ... just ask any Australian.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Dare to Dream? 

Well, the Warriors were impressive in their 66-0 thrashing of South Sydney yesterday but their opposition were just plain crap.

Sounds like the Rabbits had a bit of a bawl about it the sheds afterwards too.
"We were pulverised," [coach] McRae said. "Pretty soft in all departments today. Absolutely decimated. We trained well all week, we were right to go, but we just folded. I'm at a loss to explain what happened.
"The fans deserve an apology and I'll do that now. I'll make an apology for the coaching staff and the players. These players got booed off the field and that's right. I don't offer any excuses. That was poor. That was dreadful and they have got a public apology from me and the captain."


And how good does this look?
The Warriors took until the 10th minute to score their first try, through five-eighth Jerome Ropati, but after that tries came at regular intervals. They scored in the 13th minute (winger Patrick Ah Van), 18th (centre Simon Mannering), 23rd (centre Tony Martin), 31st (prop Steve Price), 33rd (replacement Lance Hohaia), 45th (Hohaia again), 51st (fullback Brent Webb), 54th (Webb again), 58th (replacement Evarn Tuimavave), 72nd (Hohaia, with his third) and 79th (Ropati again).

It was the Warriors third straight win and the commentators, the fans, and maybe the players too are beginning to dream about qualifying in the top 8.

In other good news the Panthers, Tigers, and Cowboys, who each sit on 16 points, four clear of the Warriors on 12, are all having mid-season shockers which hopefully will continue.

The Cowboys, in 9th place, have lost six straight games, Tigers in 10th have lost playmaker Benji Marshall for the season with another shoulder injury.

Panthers, in 11th, have won only 1 of their last four (against Tigers last week) and their performance three weeks ago ago was described by one punter as:
The Panthers performance against an under strength Dragons prior to the bye was the worst by just about any side this year. Possibly a Parra effort or a couple of Bunny displays may have had its measure, but I’m not so sure. It was bad. Penrith have actually been very ordinary for a couple of months now, 2 wins and 7 losses, and while if you look up and down their side, it is easy to find reasons why they can make a dramatic reversal in form, I’m of the opinion that any improvements won’t get them close enough against one of the competition’s form outfits.

We play the Panthers next week at home, then face Bulldogs away, then the 14th placed Eels at home before a well-deserved bye.
Penrith captain Tony Puletua suffered rib cartilage damage in [last weekend's] match and has been ruled out of Saturday night's clash with New Zealand Warriors but the Panthers should have forwards Frank Pritchard (hand) and Shane Rodney (shoulder) back on deck.

Penrith's playmaker Craig Gower should also be out on Origin duty and maybe Warriors' fans should be looking for a punt.

If the Warriors can manage to win two or even three of our next three matches before our bye it would leave us within striking distance of the top 8 and our supurb points differential - 91 - , second to only competition leaders the Storm, should mean we only have to tie with any other team to beat them into the finals.

After the bye in round 20 there are six more rounds of the competition - but I feel the next three weeks are crucial in determining whether the Warriors will have half a chance to make the top 8.

And of our final six games - at least half look winnable if we hold our current form.

We play Panthers away, Sharks then the Cowboys at home, Storm away, Roosters at home and finally the Broncos away....

Hopefully, I won't be looking loyal at the bitter end.

Friday, June 23, 2006

To be Maree or not to be Marie that is the question 

Is the Waitakere police force out of control?

Two years ago, after calling her a drunk slut, they sent a taxi to a girl who desperately needed their help - that decision had fatal consequences for the girl involved.

Then just last month they pepper-spayed a defenceless handcuffed prisoner outside Trusts Stadium in Henderson after the Fight For Life.

My sources say the officer in question was not disciplined whatsoever and is back at work - free to spay again.

After hand-to-hand combat, peppper-spay is next on the OK to use list for police and so the officer was deemed to be using reasonable force on the handcuffed prisoner they say.

Anyone anxious about these cowboys getting tasers? Hell, they might be third on the OK to use list.

My sources, boys in blue themselves, defended the pepper-spraying saying it was justified because not only did the man act like a jerk, feeling up waitresses at the Fight for Life, but because he rubbed faeces all over his cell after he was arrested.

Anyone else find that logic confusing?

The again, as we have seen this week, these guardians of the West Auckland public cannot even fucking spell.

Kylie Maree Wilson, who turned 22 yesterday, was driving to West Auckland when she was stopped by police in a routine traffic operation.
"I thought I was going to be in trouble because one of my indicators was broken," she said.
But after handing police her passport she got worse news and was told there were warrants for her arrest for wilful damage and failing to appear in the Kaitaia District Court.

Turns out the girl the cops actually wanted, spelt her middle name differently, Marie, and is also a Maori from Northland.

That didn't stop Waitakere Kylie being strip-searched by policewomen and denied an impartial witness to the search - "when I refused, one of them [policewomen] dug her fingers into my neck."

"I had a birthday dinner to go to with my family and instead I spent it in a cell screaming and crying."

They also denied her access to her lawyer because they were busy, too busy to do their fucking job and that's pretty sad.

Also sad, is the Rangers fan who smashed a seven-year-old Kiwi kid in Scotland for wearing an English football shirt.

The attacker was described as a man in his early 40s, muscular, 5ft 6in tall, and wore a donkey jacket. He was last seen heading along Clifton Road.
Hugo had been playing with his family in Edinburgh's Inverleith Park on Saturday afternoon when he was punched by a man thought to be aged between 24 and 30.


But, in terms of saddness, this must take the cake.

Russell Brown, the man whose articulate arguments on the meaty issues of the day are analysed and appreciated throughout the country's homes and workplaces most days of the week.....wait for it...... hates dogs.

I don't care that much, because - and I'm sorry if this shocks some people - I don't care about dogs.

You make me sick.

Worse still, he wrote and I selectively quote, that we should start "...putting down homeless humans..."

God knows what he's do if he found this little fulla.

And don't you just love the headline?

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

section 59 

The debate over s59 of the Crimes Act (reasonable force as a defence against assault of a minor) is picking up again, sort of. Given the lack of consensus on the issue, and strongly held views on both sides, the opportunity for a middle-ground approach is being missed. In an ideal world, no child would be smacked, perhaps ... but they sure need to be physically restrained from time to time, and that is a prima facie assault in the sense that children don't consent to it.

In any case, how about revising s.59 along Canadian lines:

1/ No striking of any child under 2 or over 12
2/ No striking of any child about the head
3/ No use of a weapon or implement to strike a child

That would be a good start, me thinks.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Contradictions from on high 

Contradiction #1 Graham Henry says the media in NZ isn't paying Ireland enough respect.

meanwhile he picks a second rate NZ team to play them.

ummmmmmm....... hello? Who isn't REALLY paying Ireland enough respect? Or for that matter who isnt paying the NZ rugby public enough respect? Eden Park wasn't sold out for that test. I for the life of me cannot recall a test at Eden Park that wasn't sold out. Can anybody enlighten me as to when the last test at Eden Park was that was not sold out? I know of a couple at Jade Stadium that weren't (the last French test there and one v the pringboks both in the last 3-4 years). But Eden Park for christs sake?

Contradiction #2 Cullen says some jouranlists are giving the labour 'tax policy' a hard time because they themselves want a tax cut and people like them and HIM don't need one. But then two weeks later he gets an 8% pay rise and the silence is deafening. He will be getting more from this pay rise than he would be losing from any tax cut.

Where are the journalists with the right fucking questions when you need them?

Meanwhile I was one lucky bastard being able to witness live the Argentinian dismantling of Serbia & Montenegro overnight. The seconf goal featurning 24 passes in the lead up. The final goal only had 17 passes in the lead up. Unfortunately Crespos goal was unfairly awarded as offside. That would have made it 7-0. I also counted one passing move of up around 40 passes in teh second half but unfortunately it petered out. Unbelievable performance. Even if they don't go on to win the world cup I now have a benchmark in my mind for how well the beautiful game can be played. I've seen professional football where 6-10 passes is a great effort.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Time to tighten our belts 

So Scrooge McCullen thinks we plebs shouldn't be asking for decent pay increases this year, eh? I/S at Norightturn tells him what he thinks of that. With inflation around 3.9%, substantial pay increases will just make things worse, apparently.

So basically we should accept a cut in our purchasing power and quality of life so as not to make things worse in the future? It's tempting to think that anything under 3.9% and you're worse off than last year. But that doesn't take account of the fact that if you get, say, a 3.9% increase, you don't actually see a decent chunk of that - it disappears as tax. What's the marginal tax rate for the average pleb I wonder? 35%? 40%? Anyway, just to keep up with last year you'd need to get a pay increase of at least 5.5% I reckon. And as many have noted, both Cullen and Bollard managed that this year.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Whinge no# 984 

The TVNZ coverage of the World Cup thus far is shite.

The first round of highlights are on at 3:30 to 4:40 each day. Great if you are a primary school student but absolutely useless if you are'nt. The second round of highlights are on at about 11pm. So basically if you are a normal Joe Blogs who works 8-5 then your'e fucked.

The other shit arse thing is that they are showing fairly brief highlights but do not include a clock or the score so you have no idea whether you are 9 minutes into the first half or 90 seconds into first half stoppage time.

It really is ratshit to put it mildly.

Soon as Friday night rolls round I'll be back to the olds to drink dads beer and watch sky all night.

Amen brother.

Korea were fairly average v Togo who are ranked below New Zealand apparently. But I do remember Lee Chun soo scoring an almost identical free kick goal for Ulsan v Anyang right in front of us (Anyang supporters) a couple of years ago to beat us. The fucking little midget bastard! Funny thing is he has another partner in crime who looks vaguely similar but is about half a foot shorter, muhahahaha. Also a handy WEE player.

You are probably wondering who the f else Korea has of any use? Well Park Ji-sung plays near the front for Manchester United and has done OK this past season while Lee Young-pyo has been a regular starter for Spurs for two seasons and has been very good for them. Aside from that most of the rest play in Korea. Apart from Cha Du-ri who plays for Frankfurt but couldn't even make the squad.

They are an outside chance of beating or drawing with France and probably about a 50/50 prospect v Switzerland. Too close to call really.

Fuck off moaners 

Auckland loses power for a day ... it's a national crisis and all the (central) gummint's fault apparently. This would be the same gummint that is harangued for "interfering in the market" in other areas, I would assume. Don't we pay companies for electrical supply?

A new and perhaps not wisely-sited shopping mall generates significant congestion ... it's an Auckland (and therefore national?) crisis and all the (local) gummint's fault apparently. This would be the same local gummint which is harangued for denying consents to large, often unwisely-sited developments under the Resource Management Act? Y'know, the whole "RMA prevents growth and investment" thing?. And is the National Party not chief advocate of the "property rights include the right to develop near major highways" position?

And lastly, all politics aside, NZers need to get a life and a sense of perspective. The lights do go out in other cities from time to time, y'know. Or they temporarily lose [insert essential service here]. Or they get closed by some relatively rare weather event. Anyway, fuck off, moaners. Do you want the gummint to hold your hand when the lights go out for a few hours? Someone call Judith Tizard, I'm cold and afraid in my dark office!

p.s. To the New Zealand Herald: you are not the Official Opposition in this country. Your front page story today was a disgraceful piece of National Party inspired wankery. If I want to read National Party press releases I can do so on Scoop. The likes of Maurice Williamson and Max Bradford couldn't even be trusted to change a lightbulb, as was well-illustrated through 9 long years of National Party misrule in the 1990s.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Oh Fuck Off 

***disclaimer, the following is meant to offend some people and if it doesn't I whole heartedly apologise and will try harder next time***

Campbell Live just had an item on the snow down in Twizel or Hickel or where ever the fuck and once again they somehow turn it into an opportunity to bash Aucklanders and North Islanders.

I mean wasn't the point of the story to show that Twizel was under a whole heap of snow? What the fuck does that have to do with any of us?!

But no, in the space of a couple of minutes they manage to have THREE digs at us 'northies' by saying (1) that it's crap how they supply power for us up north* but they have some shit arse supply down there (yeah and we pay for your fucken roads and other infrastructure like vet schools for all those sheep you are, (2) that Aucklanders would have been stuffed since our power was out for 4 hours while they are so tough lasting more than a day yeah that's cos you are used to living in the 18th century which is where your brains still are), and (3) that people in the North Island wouldn't even think to drop off fire wood to elderly people's homes who were stuck because of the snow (more or less the narrators exact words, this narrator must live in the most utterly wankiest part of Auckland and it would serve them right if this is what they encounter, or else they don't live in Auckland and suffer from John Morrison disease).

Well go wank yourselves.

The neighbour on one side of us apprehended some teenage burglars wo were sneaking about the back of our place a few months ago while our other neighbour is helping us concrete our driveway providing materials at no cost, while they just built a shared fence from their own pocket despite protests and I regularly get handed beers over this fence.

So piss off with your boring crap and go get a fucken life!

* On the whole "we supply you with power" bullshit I have a couple of points I'd like to make.
1. YOU did not build those hydro power stations out of your own pockets (most of the money has come from the tax from the rest of the country who are actually receiving the electricity)
2. None of you created those lakes and rivers (they were already fucken there)
3. None of you live in houseboats on these lakes or rivers, they have no god damn effect on your lives aside from perhaps creating a few jobs for you.
4. Why does nobody jump up and down that farmers in the Canterbury Plains and elsewhere in the South Island are draining rivers and the water tables nearly dry for irrigation for their dry as fuck fields and then dumping sheep and cow shit in these rivers for good measure?
5. Just fuck off.

Very satisfactory outcomes. 

Satisfactory outcomes news update.

1) Good to see this loser off the streets but I can't help but wonder if this P-fuelled-freak would have drawn the same public attention if it hadn't been for the gigantic cancerous growth protruding from his neck?

2) Aussie are a decent chance to progress out of group play after sinking the Japanese 3:1 this morning at the World Cup.

They were lucky though: down 1:0 with just six minutes of normal time remaining!
Cahill, who replaced Marco Bresciano after 51 minutes, has the knack of being in the right place at the right time, and he popped up once more in his role as the Socceroos' saviour to devastating effect.
In the 84th minute he lashed home a loose ball in the penalty area after a Lucas Neill long throw was only partially cleared. Three minutes later he seized on the ball just outside the penalty area and smashed a drive in off the post past Yoshikatsu Kawaguchi. And another substitute, John Aloisi, made sure of the three points in the second minute of stoppage time when he ran on to a pass, rounded a defender and wrapped proceedings up with a third.
It was an extraordinary - and justified - end to a remarkable game that Australia did not deserve to lose, even though that seemed to be their fate as the game entered its closing phase.

I've been impressed lately with the solid coverage the New Zealand we-only-see-rugby sports media has afforded the All Blacks.

It means you normally have to make it to at least page 4 or 5 in the sports section to realise the most popular sporting event in the world is actually on at the moment.

Is anyone aware of a radio frequency broadcasting the games in New Zealand?

3) In other news, New Zealand's stellar security regime can apparently be foiled by terrorists who have the audacity to employ that devious practice of slightly altering a name.
Mr Cunliffe said Ali's true identity became apparent only after he arrived in New Zealand - "he used a variation of his name in applying for entry".
But the Weekend Herald has been told the only variation on his passport was the use of the initial A for Abdullah, and that was corrected in a note inside the passport.

But it appears the guy was only detected at all because of of a suspicious flying school instructor.
An Auckland flying school manager believes officials were unaware of Rayed Mohammed Abdullah Ali until he tipped them off that the man was seeking flying lessons.

Even though Abdullah wasn't picked up because he used only his intials Helen Clark appears delighted that he was detected at all.
Prime Minister Helen Clark said yesterday that it was difficult to police border security, and the critical fact was that Ali had been found. "The key thing for me is that Mr Ali was detected, he was apprehended, and he was deported. That is a very satisfactory outcome."

Keep up the good work Helen.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Our Politicians Are A Sorry Lot: Guest Blogger, Darth George 

As long-time readers of my column will know, I prefer to cite scripture (or rather, the bits of the Bible that I take to justify my predudices) and miscellaneous moralizers than develop my own arguments. But today I am invigorated by nicotine and wish to offer the following condemnation of our country's hopeless leaders.

To the new Greens co-leader who said something to the effect of: "it it's a choice between more roads, or tax cuts, maybe we'd prefer tax cuts." Wake up, moron, there are two parties that can realistically form a government in New Zealand: National and Labour. The former went into the election promising a shit load of new roads and a shit load of tax cuts. The latter went into the election promising more progress on roads (beefed up in the last budget to "a shit load of new roads") and targetted tax relief in the form of Working for Families. So it's not either or, it's both. Dork.

To Ben & Jerry Brownlee on Radio NZ this morning bemoaning a Treaty claim over indigenous flora and fauna on the basis that "the pastures of this country are economically important." Wake up, fuckwit. The pasture is made up largely of Eurasion grasses. Underneath it are largely introduced worms. Grazing above it are entirely introduced sheep, cattle, and llamas. There's fuck all indigenous about your average paddock. You'd think the deputy leader of the farmers party might know that.

So, what can we say, bring back the cane into schools, disinter Margaret Thatcher, Peter Dunne for Prime Minister, and make my interpretation of the Bible supreme law in this country.

Rant out!


Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Not in my Beaaatchyard! 

Check this...
Housing NZ resurrects development at old air base

1.00pm Tuesday June 6, 2006
More than 3000 houses could be built on a former Auckland air base under a plan resurrected by Housing New Zealand.

The Hobsonville air base sits on the edge of the upper Waitemata Harbour near the Auckland suburb of Greenhithe but has not been used for several years.

Housing New Zealand has now dusted off an old plan to develop the site and build 3000 houses, including 500 state houses, National Radio reported today.

The plan would include stand-alone houses, apartments, shops and schools and the marine development of the water's edge.

The base has a long wartime and military history and was the base of the air force's World War 2 flying boats.

Several historic air force buildings would stay on the site and the wharf would be upgraded for ferry traffic under Housing New Zealand's plan.

However, local National MP John Key said Hobsonville was a pristine piece of land and there was the opportunity to build "something pretty good there."

He said to put state houses on $500,000 sections was "economic vandalism" which had the potential to turn the area into a ghetto.

Hobsonville residents said a large scale development could reduce the value of the area by introducing residents who failed to look after their properties.
It is planned to hold a series of public forums over the next few months.

Greens' housing spokeswoman Sue Bradford said: "There is no reason that state house tenants should not be able to live near the water on prime real estate.

"Why should they be bundled off to the back blocks like 2nd class citizens - out of sight and out of mind?"

Exactly Sue!!!

What's with wankers wanting affordable housing in the most dodgy, crappy, fucked up areas?

If we want to create a bullshit divisive society where we have distinct areas in terms of the colour of peoples skin, the type of job they have and the type of car they drive then whats the point of living in a society at all.

How about all those who worry about what the people in the next street might be doing (or not doing) with their backyard landscaping fuck off to their beach house to live while the rest of us get on with life in the real world.

Shit happens, there are poor people, they work shit jobs, they can't afford a flash car and THEY FUCKING WELL NEED SOMEWHERE TO LIVE JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!

John Key, you are a cock!. Basically what he is saying is that wherever there are state houses it is a ghetto. I think he might want to watch Boyz in the Hood to establish what a ghetto is firstly.

And secondly he might want to sing along to these words from some song I have had stuck in my head for over a decade... "Don't you know..., that it's true..., that for me..., and for you... the world is a ghetto.".

John Key and residents of Whenuapai. Come on in.

And you could sing these lyrics while your'e on your way...

"It's a beautiful world we live in
A sweet romantic place
Beautiful people everywhere
The way they show they care makes me want to say
It's a beautiful world
Oh what a beautiful world
For you
It's a wonderful time to be here
It's nice to be alive
Wonderful people everywhere
The way they comb their hair makes me want to say
It's a wonderful place
Oh what a wonderful place
For you, for you, for you, for you, for you, for you, not me"

Friday, June 02, 2006


is TV on Tuesdays and Thursdays so crap?

But it's friday so lets forget all about it and in the words of the late father Jack... "DRINK!"

Oh and System of a Down should be saying "The most lonely day of my life" or "The loneliest day of my life" NOT "The most loneliest day of my life" shouldn't they?

Warriors by 10

Jim Beam and Cokes 8

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Yamis a "mincing metrosexual"? 

Darth George is at it again: as self-appointed documenter of the nation's moral decline, today he takes a swipe at the sorry state of its manhood (so to speak). This powerful critique is based - err - solely on the whole "leaving a guy to die on Everest" thing. The trouble with men nowadays, Darth reports, is their lack of moral fibre. In his day, and in Ed Hilary's day, they weren't all about self-gratification, and immorality both hetero- and homo-sexual. They were loyal to God, King, and Kountry, and in short were neither over-paid sports stars nor mincing metrosexuals. They knocked bastards off, and never knocked women up before marriage.

Now what does this mean for our erstwhile contributor, Yamis? Despite being married, and not being well-known for knocking up random women outside of marriage, he has failed to become a professional sports star - although god knows he must be close to call ups in both union and cricket, given his ability to both wield a bat and catch a rugby ball and run with it - and therefore by Darth's "logic" is a "mincing metrosexual".

Who knew?

Finally, I leave you to decide:

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