The Lineup
B.I.R. Column Of Fame
Man of Steel... Wood... and Mud: Bear Grylls
Rock Legend: Tom Morello

League Gods: The Emperor and Alfie

Str-8 Shoota: Malcolm X

Str-8 Shoota: Zack de la Rocha

Super Bad mofo's

Comrade Hillary

Friday, October 30, 2009

Snout, meet trough 

Hide's partner on $25,000 trip.

"It is very, very hard when you are a minister to maintain a relationship," he said.

I'm sure it is, but I expect some will ask whether taxpayers should be picking up the tab for such "maintenance" - aka sightseeing and a bit of what-have-you with the missus in a five-star hotel room.

Perhaps Mr Hide will be subject to less scrutiny in this regard than Mr Carter, because his partner is (a) a woman and (b) relatively hot.

Moleman could only dream of such things.

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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

NZ Police ban league, soccer, boxing, tae kwon do, judo, karate, and arm-wrestling 

In response to news of drunken Christchurch yokels exercising their right to participate in backyard brawling, Acting Detective Inspector David Long, of the Christchurch police, said people could not consent to being assaulted.

I call bullshit on that one.

Of course you can consent to being assaulted - otherwise contact sports and martial arts would be illegal, or at least rendered impossible by virtue of the frequency of criminal charges being brought against those who, e.g., tackle opposition players, or deliver round-house kicks to the heads of opponents.

Professional rugby union would be exempt from the law, as the idea is avoid the risk of being tackled by an opponent by kicking the ball away as soon as possible.

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Come And Get Us, McCain! 

Senator John, "I don't know how to use e-mail" McCain has proposed a bill that would overrule supposed net neutrality.

In between naps, McCain claimed that he did not support government regulation of internet service providers to stop them from censoring and meddling with websites, blogs and internet usage.

What's wrong with corporate censorship of the Internet? For McCain, nothing. His vision is for internet service providers to make money by ousting out competitor advertising, dissent, or anything else that doesn't tow the party-line.

What's alarming is that this comes from a guy who admitted that he can't use email.

What's terrifying is that Senator Sleepy is on Twitter.

It's one thing for an internet-illiterate nincompoop to suggest how literate users should behave, and how they should be regulated.

It's certainly another thing for an internet dummy to be on Twitter. I've been suspicious about Twitter thanks to the sudden, widespread, participation and endorsement out of Hollywood. I mean these Hollywood types tend to jump on the band-wagon for all sorts of stupidity (see: Scientology; The Atkins Diet; HD-DVD; Crystal Pepsi; Fake Tanning; Boob Jobs; Reality TV) So when Twitter came up out of nowhere, and suddenly celebrities are Twittering on the toilet and Tweeting during child birth, I figure that something is up.

Now I know that something is up. To get Senator "I'm can't find the @ symbol" McCain to be on Twitter and for him to endorse corporate censorship of the Internet, makes perfect sense. It's a move to suggest that the wide-spread hybridity of the internet be condensed down to 30 second sound bites.

Now if the U.S. Congress passes this act before passing an act for universal health-care, then that society is truly fucked. But I really doubt that that Internet Freedom Act, or the Twitter Act, will ever come to pass.

For all of their inherent evils, corporations are cunning, and they realize that there is more $$ to be made by allowing the existence of millions of little B.I.R. style blogs, rather than jamming Tweets down our throats.

Once again, John McCain, you are a complete and fucking idiot.

Do us all a favour and go get some rest.

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Monday, October 26, 2009

M.I.A. - Bucky Done Gun 

Shoot that Annoying Neighbour.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Smoke if ya got em'. 

Thursday, October 22, 2009

$45 well wasted 

Rodney Hide - the devoted Epsom MP who barely bothered to turn up during the last Parliament - is charging people $45 to hear him give a talk directly related to his own portfolio (specifically, "the future of the local government sector"). If anyone in the previous Labour-led government had tried such tomfoolery (verging on a corrupt practice), the right wing blogs and their media allies would have been frothing at the mouth for weeks.

I still recall seeing the orange-skinned, tooth-whitened little freak on Queen St, supporting the truckers' illegal driving in rebellion against user-pays.

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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Lessons Learned 

In a move designed to soften the domestic and global outrage at their ill-considered homage to Nazi memorabilia at the Auckland War Museum the boys involved have agreed to kill one German each.

The students, a group of immature Auckland Grammar boys born over 60 years after the end of the Second World War, told bloggingitreal that they had no idea just how much shit was going to hit the fan when they jokingly bowed to a Nazi flag.

“You know, we know about the wars and stuff but we were just joking around at the Museum man, we’re, like, 15-years-old and we were just being totally stupid like 15-year-old kids are often likely to be,” one student said.

“We’ve got all these people around the world saying how insensitive and inappropriate we were, but it’s like dude WTF?”

“We didn’t mean to offend anyone – we were just being dicks and the next thing you know the entire world is hearing about our tom foolery and taking it like a grievous insult to their forefathers.”

In agreement with the War Veterans, Auckland Grammar School and the Jewish Council the students have agreed to kill one German each.

“You know, meeting with those old fullas who had actually been to the war, it really brought it home to us what pricks these Germans are,” he said, “and I think it’s made us more mature too.”

“As responsible kids and for Auckland Grammar we want to right our wrongs – we’re going to kill one of those Hun bastards each, which will hopefully prevent them from starting the next world war too,” the student said.

Saturation coverage 

Meddler Key and Aggrandizement Sharples are now proposing a joint TVNZ, MTS and TV3 bid for Forceback 2011. Quoth Te Herald: "The final, semifinals, bronze medal game and the quarterfinals will be live on all three channels."

Right, and what about the 3 million New Zealanders who don't want to watch rugby union, judging by the fact that only 1 million bothered to tune in to watch the All Blacks' (generally unexpected) quarter-final loss to France last time, broadcast free-to-air by TV3 at a reasonable hour on a Sunday morning?

I guess they could always go outside for a walk, or whatever. Christ, isn't it bad enough these poor bastards will be underwriting 2/3rds of the event's losses, currently optimistically estimated at $39 million.

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Saturday, October 17, 2009

You're a fucking cock, is what you are 

I just walked past a preposterous ass, dressed in an ostentatious wannabe Matrix ankle-length black coat, accessorized by yellow-mirrored ski goggles (by way of context, it's 11 degrees out, and we're nowhere near a skifield). This ensemble was topped off with a ridiculous look-at-me bleached-tip hairstyle. Said tosspot was opining loudly to his plainly-attired chum: "I'm for liberal eugenics, therefore I'm...." Walking by swiftly in the opposite direction, I completed his sentence with what came naturally: "You're a fucking cock, is what you are."

I don't think he heard me, but it felt great to say.

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Friday, October 09, 2009

Dubious headline award 

P substitute 'not as good' blurts the Dominion Post.

Yes, what will the poor P-heads do when they have to turn to inferior alternatives like alcohol?

What the story is actually referring to is the inefficacy of phenylephrine in cold- and flu-type drugs, relative to the soon-to-be restricted pseudoephedrine (which is not "P", but rather one of its many ingredients, a point seemingly lost on the sub-editors at the Dom Post). Hint: the "P" stands for "pure methamphetamine" not "pseudoephedrine". Morons.

Well-known pharmacist John Key is quoted as saying that phenylephrine is a "safe and effective alternative" to pseudoephedrine (which is also safe and effective, by most accounts), although there doesn't seem to be a lot of support for that position among, y'know, actual pharmacists.

In a dismal effort to promote balance, the Dom Post story concludes by listing "CRIMES COMMITTED WHILE ON P" - but lists only six. Perhaps they mean "Examples of crimes committed while on P?"

I look forward to the forthcoming expose on "CRIMES COMMITTED WHILE ON ALCOHOL". That well-known inferior alternative.


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Sunday, October 04, 2009

On being a complete and utter fuckwit 

Major project due at work. Have come into the office for 13 consecutive days. Finally produced the required documents, and subjected them to seven proof-reads (five by myself, one by Mrs_Red, and one by an assistant). And guess what? I'm still finding new fucking mistakes every time I read the fucking things. You'd think I was entirely unfamiliar with the fucking English language and the filling-out of fucking forms.

And now the fucking PDF maker won't even convert my presumably still error-ridden documents from Word to fucking PDFs.

That is all.

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