The Lineup
B.I.R. Column Of Fame
Man of Steel... Wood... and Mud: Bear Grylls
Rock Legend: Tom Morello

League Gods: The Emperor and Alfie

Str-8 Shoota: Malcolm X

Str-8 Shoota: Zack de la Rocha

Super Bad mofo's

Comrade Hillary

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Notes from my travels (aka stupid signs) 

Who said cyclists are marginalized in this country? Well the good people at Transit NZ couldn't pander to a minority at the expense of the car-driving, oil-consuming majority now could they? I mean, it's a choice to cycle, do we really need signs warning them of dangers on the road ahead? I sense a groundswell of opinion amongst mainstream New Zealand on this one.

While we're on the topic of National Party policy, perhaps it could be used to clean up after incidents like this in the jurisdiction of the Selwyn District Council.

Anything to protect the rights of the non-National voting majority, I say. There should be a law to shelter our eyes and ears from that crap.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Had a Bloody Gutsful. 

If our bloody cat doesn't sort its act out is so fucken gone
! You better be reading this Frank!

I mean I'm starving. I can't fit a fucken thing into the fridge.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Spot the difference 

Inviting one group of religionists to open an embassy is political correctness gone mad, starting each session of Parliament with another group's prayer is "part of national history." Right. I would have thought that Maori spirtitualism could lay equal if not greater claim to being part of national history as the Church of England, and I'd like to add for good measure that secularism and non-belief are distinctly New Zealand values too.

Wayne Mapp is a tit.

National are Still Fucken Clueless... What a Shock!!! 

They really do have no fucking clue, as Russell Brown points out this week.

I'm embarrassed for them that they constantly come up with lame attempted popularist bullshit and their leader has no fucking idea what the hell the reason for any of it is.

Speaking of RB, or at least the letters RB. Some local tagger decided he'd spray paint those letters on the local shop roll down doors, the street and a few fences.

Didn't last long. They had been painted out by the next evening. Like many of the poor young misguided fucks that are beating each other to death in South Auckland this kid and others like him need to be told that they do not 'own' or 'control' that street, or block of shops, or fence or whatever the fuck. Cos if they met the hundred people who lived in that street in a wide alley in broad daylight they would get their ass smoked back to beneath their bed.

On the topic of wanna be street thugs and gangs. Well punchups, senseless beatings and variations on these hobbies have been taking place since the beginning of time. Often people wear gang colours of matching jerseys with numbers on the back and meet at local parks in the weekends between sets of goal posts and beat the crap out of each other. In fact in all my years of post secondary school rugby not a single game passed by without a punch being thrown. And some of the all in brawls I've witnessed on footie fields have conjured up that sick in the stomach feeling. Umbrellas, kicks in the head, games called off, players suspended for several months, entire teams suspended. One of the clearest memories I have is of my father lining up a sideline conversion at the Auckland Domain when I was about 10 and a spectator from the other team came in and haymakered him from behind. One of our supporters then went up and punched this guy so hard in the face that his sunglasses exploded off his head. Then the brawl really started. Kinda cool. No newspapers, no TV crews, no police. Then of course there's the after school punchups at high school. I recall tennis rackets were a weapon of choice one afternoon. I think the police did come that day.

My father often regails about huge punchups at West Auckland sporting fields involving players, spectators and anybody else who happened to be nearby and this is in the 60s and 70s. That before they would go hooning round West Auckland boozing and beating the shit out of people at parties. I think one famous punchup at Avondale race-course in an earlier decade did make the herald such was the enormity of it. Damn Waitemata and Suburbs rivalry.

Let's face it. We are actually getting soft and we need to bring back the biff.

Let's look back findly on those gentlemanly days of 19....54.
July 1954
History was made in 1954 when the match between the Touring Great Britain team and New South Wales was abandoned after Referee Aub Oxford walked off the Sydney Cricket Ground, unable to restore any of resemblance of order.

Never before in the history of the game had a major match been called off.

The match was played between the 2nd and 3rd test with the series tied at one all.

The Blues fielded a full strength side, but were concerned when it was learnt some days prior to the contest that the British were treating the game with contempt.
Killer Ken Kearney on the end of some rough house
defense during the abandoned match of 1954

Their selectors had planned some ridiculous selections with props playing on the wing, a second rower at fullback. The selections were confirmed on the day of the match when hooker Tommy Harris played blindside prop, secondrower Gunney played fullback, and the two burly props Briggs and Wilkinson played on the wing.

Clive Churchill was credited as saying years later " Beyond any doubt the Englishmen did not take the field to play football." Leading League correspondent George Crawford wrote in a Sydney Newspaper, "Every player on the field at one time or another took part in vicious incidents. Boots, fists, stiff arm tackles, and strangleholds made the game an ugly farce"

NSW led 15-3 at the break. Very early in the 2nd half Referee Oxford sent off british five eight Ray Price for abusing the linesman. The next 10 minutes saw a punch in every tackle.

An all in erupted when English half Burnett threw a punch that missed Churchill and collected with the back of aussie winger Pidding's head. The was the trigger for all hell to break loose and all players became involved.

With just over 20 minutes left on the clock referee Oxford walked from the SCG, giving up on the brawling players behind him. Over 27,000 spectators were shell-shocked as they realised that the game had been adandoned. The result of the game was officially regarded as a 'no contest'.

The crowd gathered around the GB dressing rooms hurling abuse and several british players had to be restrained from going out to face the crowd.

In the aftermath of the match, the NSW delegates were inferring that Oxford had abandoned the game to early, the three players were cautioned and the fiery meeting came to an end when the Great Britain Captain for the match, Charlie Pawsey offered an apology on behalf of his team. The League then dropped the matter.

It was reported that players from both sides attended the South Sydney's Annual Ball the night of the game, there they all had a good laugh about the game and were very apologetic.

It was the last game the Referee Aub Oxford officiated in as he quit rugby league for good."

You see usually support runners come on their own and are a little wider of the man with the ball but these ones decided they would just be 'support' for their team mate who is about to have his head ripped off in the match above.


This is golden, Fairfax releases a press statement saying it hopes to speak to a reporter who worked for some of their publications years ago, just in case he faked some stories back then.
Fairfax New Zealand chief operating officer and editor-in-chief Peter O’Hara said: “As a responsible media organisation we owe it to our readers to ensure that everything we publish is of the highest standard.
“We accept that some mistakes can and will be made by all print and broadcast organisations from time-to-time and we will correct, retract and apologise when this happens. But the deliberate faking of an interview – if that is, indeed, what has happened at the Herald on Sunday – raises concerns of a different dimension for everyone in the wider media community.

The cynical may suggest Fairfax is generating quotes for its own publications to use - which several of them have.

But get this, the reporter John Manukia, used to work for that bible of journalistic intergrity The Truth.

O'Hara must be dreading having to go back and ask all the 'vice-girls who were pimped out by gangsters to pay off their four-year-old daughters' drug debts' if they were actually interviewed.

Gimme a break.

Speaking of crap how about this comment from the Herald on Sunday's editor, who many believe to be the biggest fuckwit in New Zealand journalism, Shayne Currie saying "readers can be reassured that the Herald on Sunday's staff are ethical and honest - and feel as betrayed and disappointed as their editor about their former colleague's actions".

Yeah right.

My colleague fabricated a news story I feel so betrayed.....more like they're thinking is it 5pm yet?

Or, how about a payrise?

Or, man that Currie's a prick.

The Independent has a nice crack at him too this week:
The Herald on Sunday told readers that Manukia had admitted that he had never interviewed Solomona. He had been suspended from work duties for a formal interview and disciplinary process, and then been fired.
The Herald on Sunday itself offers no explanation for Manukia's behaviour, but editor Shayne Currie has told other media the reporter felt "some personal pressure to get a good story."
What does that say about the culture inside the competition leader of Sunday newspaper journalism in New Zealand?
In his own defence, Currie has quoted The New York Times executive editor Howell Raines, saying: "Frankly, no newspaper is set up to monitor for cheats and fabricators."
But Currie should remember what happened next in the famous New York Times story fabrication saga, where reporter Jayson Blair was found to have committed 36 acts of journalistic fraud, including plagiarism and outright fabrication.
Executive editor Raines and the Times managing editor Gerald Boyd have both resigned.
A special committee was established to investigate newsroom policy, a public editor was appointed to monitor complaints, new complaints publication policies and processes were instituted, new standards on matters such as the use of unidentified sources have been developed.
There is no sign of a similar response within our flagship Sunday paper.

I don't know how many would agree with the Herald on Sunday being labelled the "flagship" Sunday paper though.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Pays to Check 

A few months ago I bought a 'new' car. At least it was new to me, though with 100,000 kms on the clock it was not new to the roads.

Anyway, I went and got it insured with an insurance company which shall remain nameless, nah fuck it, AMI. Well they were all very nice and all but told me that this car which I bought for 3,750 would cost about 1050 bucks to fully insure for one year. Now I already have house insurance with them and am over 25 quite comfortably and have never caused an accident or done anything dodgy in a vehicle in my life. Hell, I've never even shagged in one (unless campervans count? Oh I suppose they do).

Where was I? Hang on it's dinner time, I'll be back later...

(OK so that was only a few dots to your eyes but it represents about half an hour in my time).

Well... OK I've worked out what I wanted to say. It was going to cost me the price of the car every three years to insure. Now I know we should never assume everthing is going to go swimmingly and that we aren't going to take that corner a bit too fast on that drizzly winter evening but hell, if I manage to write a car off, or at least smack it up pretty good every three years for the rest of my life then I probably won't have much of a life. And yet that's kind of what the insurance company is saying they expect of me. OK that's not true. They expect and hope I'll only be writing cars off every 5+ years so they can pocket a few grand every time between but you get what I mean.

So I said, fuck that. I'll just take the 3rd party insurance for the time being thanks and wait until either a) I have a lot more money or b) hell freezes over after I career off a cliff in the Waitakere's and end up there.

So 3rd party insurance was a few hundred bucks annually which was a bit closer in line with my budget.

A few days later my financial advisor thought that was "disgraceful" and began investigations. My mum, sorry, I mean my financial advisor then called around for some better prices and low and behold found that NZI will insure the exact same car for the exact same value without giving a stuff about my wife with no NZ license for about a little over 500 bucks. AND I have no house insurance with NZI which apparently gets me a reduced rate with AMI by doubling up!

So where the fuck is the extra 500 bucks that AMI is taking going? Perhaps they actually pay out on claims or something? Perhaps NZI drivers have half as many accidents?

Fucked if I know but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out who I'm now insured with.

So I join over the phone and get the policy in the mail. Was very interested to see a hundred and fifty bucks had been taken out of my credit card account without being informed that that would happen. Turns out that the policy had had the quote date of two months ago incorrectly entered as the start date of the policy despite the fact that it was a quote only and that I was already insured with somebody else. A quick phone call and thats all sorted but you have to wonder how badly people who can't 'defend' themselves (recent immigrants, the busy, or the relatively uneducated for starters) get ripped off each year by these big companies who make errors in their favour with gay abandon but never the other way round.

On a different topic. I've seen the amateur footage of the O'Driscoll 'spear tackle' and in my opinion if anything it makes things look better for Umaga and Mealamu. At first it looked dodgy but as they replayed it a couple more times I looked more closely and Mealamu was basically falling/lying over the ruck and in no real position to exert much force or control the tackle. And Umaga appeared to drop O'Driscoll rather than do any sort of driving motion which is quite common to see in spear tackles. It was a drop with O'Driscoll clearly showing gross inexperience as to what to do when being dropped on his head. Clearly mothers in Ireland shelter their babies far too much.

Umaga should have got a couple of weeks no doubt about it for putting a player in a dangerous position and then not making enough of an effort to protect him or check that he was OK when it happened or even afterwards. But I think the Vagana/Pritchard one in the first league test was much worse and they got off scot free because whatshisface wasn't seriously injured and because they 'blackmailed' the Kangaroo court because Scott Prince had done a similar tackle in the curtainraiser and was not even cited over it.

Which is what I am.

Over it.

Public transport in Auckland 

Get a bit of a theme going here on public transport. It is one of my non-expressed interests as well.

In today's edition of the blue rinse herald

Dearer diesel, higher wages push up bus fares

By Nicola Boyes
Bus users in Auckland have been given three days' notice of a 10 per cent fare rise which will result in some passengers paying up to $1.50 more per trip.

The 10 per cent average increase approved by the Auckland Regional Transport Authority will start on Sunday as bus companies update their fares

The bus fare increase follows an annual review of service costs and is attributed to higher diesel prices and wages. Fares last went up in August last year when they rose by 8 per cent.
Three days notice?! Way to treat your customers like a pile of shit. You have an annual review and then woooshka!!! there it is, straight out of peoples pockets.
The increased fares could put more pressure on the industry, which has experienced falling patronage.

Stagecoach New Zealand marketing manager Russell Turnbull admitted the increases were likely to result in more passengers choosing to leave public transport.

"We've been at the sharp end of rail improvements and a drop-off in foreign students. We've suffered more than most," Mr Turnbull said. After a decade of growth, passenger numbers are falling. In the 12 months to June, they dropped about 5.5 per cent.

She [ARTA's General Manager Passenger Services Heather Haselgrove] said bus fares had increased without effect on patronage 15 months ago and she expected the latest rises to have little impact. She said a review of ferry and rail fares was also imminent.

"It's $80 to fill up your tank of petrol now. People are experiencing these costs themselves and they can do the sums.

"Public transport continues to be good value when compared to the cost of petrol and parking and it is even better value if it means a family does not need to buy a second car."
Bullshit. Firstly for most people the cost of petrol will be around 75% of a bus fare to the same place and back. Secondly I would guess that 95% of people who drive each day DO NOT pay for parking.

I present to you exhibit A
But one bus user last night calculated that the new fares widened the gap between the cost of taking public transport and taking his car into work.

"At the moment it's already proving uneconomical to take public transport," he said in a posting on the Rideline web forum about his journey from Meadowbank to East Tamaki.

Because his new monthly bus fare will be increasing from $75 to $99 and as he will have to pay $104 instead of $88 for a weekly ticket, it now made more sense to take the car, the commuter wrote.
I doubt the numbers taking public transport will drop a heck of a lot, but right at a time when they could be expected to really push for more customers (petrol prices, high employment, strong economy, and whatever the fuck) they deal themselves a blow in the ass.

Take a look at who uses public transport. Check out a bus stop or even look inside one as it drives by. The majority of users do not own cars its safe to guess. They are high school students, university students, foreign fee paying students, the elderly, the poor(ish). They have no fucking choice about how to get from A-B-G-I-V-E-M-E-Y-O-U-R-M-O-N-E-Y

Good luck bus companies. Soon you'll have empty buses driving in circles, stopping once in a while to tell the person at the bus stop that they'll need to come back with a cheque book or credit card to ride one stage. Then local government can simply pay the drivers to waste petrol by driving in these circles all day till knockoff time. Plus, the trains are going to kick yo ass.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Treasonous Libel & Disaffection 

With the Australian government intent on outlawing anything it doesn't like the sound of (i.e., speech which challenges the government), Chas Savage makes this helpful retort (hat-tip: NRT). I particularly appreciated this summary of the Monarchy:
Just so it is clear, I urge all Australians to hold the sovereign and her heirs and successors with hatred and contempt. Lecherous, callow, adulterous; inbreed [sic], exclusive and foreign; they remind us that, by them, we are made no democratic people. Because they are appointed by bloodline, and because talent, accomplishment and merit enter not into the question of their position and the prominence accorded to them, they exist as proof that government can be degraded by the powerful in service of their own interests. As such, they deserve our democratic hatred and contempt.

Yes, that nicely sums up how I feel about both the institution of the Monarchy and those who currently inhabit it. All teachers in New Zealand should be required to recite this oath.

Anyway, on a more serious "hey let's actually dismantle a country" note, a useful reminder that states are not necessarily one nation under god, it is exactly 10 years since the Quebec referendum that oh-so-narrowly failed to break apart Canada. The Globe & Mail has a useful series running on this, and I particularly appreciated yesterday's entry. I hadn't quite appreciated that full and unambiguous "independent country status" was being sought:
[Then Quebec Premier] Mr. Parizeau's intentions [were clear] when he tabled a draft bill on Quebec sovereignty in December of 1994 that outlined plans to declare outright independence after winning a referendum to be held in June of 1995. Senior government officials prepared a detailed transition plan to move from province to country.

"Within 45 days the new government would have been in place," Mr. Parizeau said in an interview in 2000. "That isn't to say that each bureaucrat would have already been assigned an office, but we knew exactly what had to be done."

The plan called for a major cabinet shuffle to prepare to govern an independent country, with new ministers to organize an armed forces, prepare for Quebec's entry into the World Trade Organization and the North American free-trade agreement, and negotiate the transfer of Ottawa's fiduciary responsibilities for natives living in Quebec.
How's that for treasonous libel and disaffection? But it raised some bloody interesting constitutional questions ... like, what happens when a part of your country declares independence from the rest when your Prime Minister and a large portion of the Cabinet just so happen to be from that part? Is the Prime Minister still the Prime Minister? Is he (or she, should Auckland declare independence from the rest of New Zealand tomorrow) still a citizen of the country which he leads? Can he negotiate with that breakaway part from whence he came? Buggered if I know:
In fact, eight days before the referendum, about 10 federal ministers from English Canada openly pondered Mr. Chrétien's future in the event of a separatist victory. Brian Tobin said in the CBC-TV documentary Breaking Point: Canada's Referendum last month that with polls giving the Yes side a comfortable lead, they thought it necessary to consider the breakup of Canada.

"We asked ourselves difficult questions such as: Could a prime minister from Quebec represent Canada in negotiations?" Mr. Tobin said. He said it was difficult to imagine how Quebeckers, who were among the most influential members of the Chrétien government, could negotiate Quebec's departure from Canada.

"The answer is that they couldn't," Mr. Tobin said.

"The structure of government would have to change dramatically
Puts Australia's current obsession with disaffection into perspective, I guess.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


We're going to kick your ass anyway.
Great Britain and Bradford league coach Brian Noble is defending the decision to pull Lesley Vainikolo out of the Kiwis squad for the rest of the Tri-Series. Vainikolo has had knee surgery, without the knowledge of Kiwis' management. The operation is out of contention for the remaining tests. Brian Noble says Vainikolo urgently needed knee surgery. Speaking with his Bradford hat on, Noble says they lost the giant winger last year for a few weeks, because he did not have an off-season "clean up". Lesley Vainikolo missed the tests against Great Britain this time last year, because Bradford booked him in for surgery.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

One part pragmatist, one part human nature 

I'm reasonably happy with the structure of the new government, although Gaia knows the Greens have every reason to be annoyed. Nevertheless, as Russell Brown points out the announcements to date include numerous progressive measures (including increases in the minimum wage and superannuation associated with NZ First), and the Greens' somewhat ineffectual campaign is partly to blame. Will Winston Peters make some pratfall on the world stage, or storm out of the arrangement in a huff? Entirely possible, but that's just guess work at this early stage. Who knows, he may assume the responsibility befitting a senior MP (but don't hold your breath).

More generally, by aligning fairly closely with the centre/centre-right instincts of NZ First and the blowhard from Belmont, Labour has the chance to shut down or at least deflect the barrage of criticism from its Right. Winnie and Pete will impede some of Labour's big government, high spending instincts (except in Tauranga and Ohario-Belmont: ladies and gentlemen, rev your engines, here comes the pork!) while cementing the changes it has introduced over the last six years. So there is some reason for centre-left voters to be optimistic.

Now for an immediate readjustment of those tax brackets...

But onwards to part II: there is something about human nature that says "complain, complain, complain". It's recently struck me how true this is regarding public transport. People everywhere complain about its poor quality, slow service, and high cost. People look to other cities where they imagine the situation to be so much better. And people in those cities bitch heartily about the quality of their public transport, and express the view it's so much better elsewhere.

Case in point: Vancouver. Widely viewed the world over as having a great public transport system. Widely dissed by people who actually use it (or don't, viewing it as ... dirty, unsafe, slow and expensive).

Monday, October 17, 2005

Short back and sides please 

Just when the IRA announced it was disarming in Ireland the New Zealand Herald has revealed that the buggers are now killing British troops in Iraq.

IRA bombs killed British troops in Iraq the headline reads.

Unfortunately the story's first paragraph reads:
Eight British soldiers killed during ambushes in Iraq were the victims of a highly sophisticated bomb developed by British intelligence services and first used by the IRA.

Opps, looks like the headline should read - British bombs killing British troops in Iraq shouldn't it?

The story continues to say that British "intelligence" officers sold/gave their new bomb making intelligence to the IRA - way to go to combat the enemy.

Meanwhile, for all you doubters/haters/wreckers out there who have dissed the American war on terror - the coalition of the willing have made a significant announcement in recent days.

That's right, they have apprehended "Walid 'The Barber' Muhammad" whose crimes against humanity include, you guessed it, being suspected of cutting bad guys' hair.

No doubt, George 'The Penis' Bush will be celebrating.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

When The Herald became The Onion 

I mean are they taking the piss or what?!

Check out the screaming headline and then read what's beneath and see what relationship the headline bears to the body.
Coalition talks in chaos as Nats accuse Clark of failure
By Patrick Crewdson
Coalition negotiations were in turmoil yesterday with two of National's supposed allies contradicting its claim that it was poised to form an alternative Government.
So the headline reads as if Labours coalition talks are fucked and National is on the attack.

And then the first paragraph turns around and paints a completely different picture where Nationals bullshit is being exposed for what it is.
"The situation is that both major parties can at this stage rely on 57 votes," National Party deputy leader Gerry Brownlee told the Herald on Sunday.

Such a scenario would see National form a bloc with United Future, the Maori Party and Act, with NZ First as the kingmaker.

NZ First leader Winston Peters will today be considering "a very brief letter" sent to his officeby National last Friday night, apparently suggesting National had the numbers to form a government with NZ First's support.

But the Maori Party and United Future have denied guaranteeing any such support.

While Mr Brownlee claims Helen Clark has "completely failed" to seal a deal, Ms Clark dismissed his claims yesterday as "bluster and bravado".

She said through a spokesperson that Labour was continuing to negotiate with the Greens, NZ First, United Future and the Maori Party "in good faith" and the proposal from National to Mr Peters was "spoiling tactics".

Much of the speculation was sparked by a clandestine meeting between Don Brash, Winston Peters, Peter Dunne and Tariana Turia last Tuesday.

But Maori Party co-leader Tariana Turia strenuously denied any arrangement had been brokered with National.

And co-leader Pita Sharples insisted last Thursday that the party was still open to supporting Labour on confidence and supply in return for policy concessions.

United Future leader Peter Dunne said his party was negotiating in good faith with Labour and would not be talking with National on the same basis unless Labour was finally unable to form a government.
"We haven't reached that point yet and [National] knows that. It is not the simple truth to say National has 57 votes locked up," he said.

Act leader Rodney Hide refused to comment on whether his party had formally offered support to National. He would only say he still believed National could put a government together.

Mr Peters yesterday refused to discuss talks with Labour or to say whether an acceptable offer was on the table.

"I can't do that because it's not my decision ... this party is not based on one person. It's based on thousands of people who are members and a board and a caucus," he said.

But sources close to NZ First said Mr Peters was leaning towards Labour and there was a "very strong chance" a deal could be signed in the next week. Last Friday, Mr Peters had a two-hour meeting with Labour deputy leader Michael Cullen and chief of staff Heather Simpson, while the Greens and Labour met at a staff level.

Labour is believed to have offered Mr Peters a ministerial post outside cabinet, something he had been reluctant to accept.

Despite pre-election declarations from Mr Peters that NZ First would sit on the cross-benches and not enter formal coalition with either Labour or National, the caucus is understood to now favour an arrangement that would give them oversight on key policies, such as raising the superannuation rate and increasing the number of police.

Meanwhile, Green Party co-leader Rod Donald was yesterday optimistic an agreement would be reached with Labour "in the next few days".
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen.

Buy tickets now for Headline versus Story in the mismatch of the century.


And for a joyous weekending moment the Kiwis routed the Kangaroos. Sure it was 6 tries a piece but given we had a try disallowed where that Pommie prick didn't even go upstairs which would have put us 22 or 24-0 up and he allowed a try to Tate after a blatant forward pass to Minicello up field and he canned us in the penalties for lying on them when THEY had been doing it all fucking night (they literally took twice as long to get off as our boys for 60 minutes and he doesn't even notice that it's illegal until we start to do it!!!)

Fucken asshole.

And we still dicked them by 10.

Made my night.

Friday, October 14, 2005

New Zealand police nab man with beard 

Have I got a great short story for Friday!

A true story from a colleague today.

He (Englishman) was working in Dubai with a South African, both as teachers. The South African man has shaggy hair and a beard.

They both decide to come and live and work in NZ as teachers. The South African who has a plain English sounding name winds up teaching in Gore and is in the middle of class about a month into the job (earlier this year) when two police officers come into his classroom, ask him if he has just come from the middle east and then take him away. He is then kept in a police cell for 3 hours before they can find out enough to know that he is not connected to Osama Bin Laden and so they let him go.

Is this how fucken pathetic we are?

For the record he was not all that keen on how the boys at this particular school used the tools in woodwork as throwing knives which were to be embedded in walls and left the school not long after.

Have a nice weekend.

I'm going to get drunk at somebody's 30th!

Run for the hills 

I know its wrong to count your chickens before they hatch but i've had this gut feeling lately that WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.

The bird flu in 2005 has spread throughout Asia, through Russia, into Indonesia and today has hit Turkey.

The WHO says the bird flu is very close to being able to spread between humans - when it does we have a disease for which humans' have no defence.

The Ministry of Health's best guess as to what will happen if it hits NZ is that fewer than 4000 will die:
How many people could get sick or die if a pandemic virus reaches New Zealand?This is difficult to say because it depends on many factors, such as the severity of the pandemic and who it affects most. However research published in the New Zealand Medical Journal earlier this year suggested a flu pandemic could result in the deaths of up to 3700 New Zealanders, with as many as 20,000 people requiring hospital care and just over one million people needing to see a health professional.

But I ain't so sure.

And after reading this little slice of NZ history, about the 1918 pandemic which killed 8600 kiwis, about what it was like on the ground I've decided its high time to begin preparing my own bird flu survival kit.
Everyone was sick, no one to help, they were dying one after the other. My father was very, very sick then. He was the first to die. I couldn't do anything for him. I remember we put him in a coffin, like a box. There were many others, you could see them on the roads, on the sledges, the ones that are able to drag them away, dragged them away to the cemetery. No time for tangis.

So this weekend I'm going to set about compiling my B-Ready kit that I'll go bush with if the bird flu does hit.

Obviously I'll need the basics - batteries, radio, torch, beer, food, clothes, gas burner (for cooking and spots) but what about the more difficult items to decide upon?

Will there be room for my Warriors supporter flag? My lucky charms? My girlfriend?

Suggestions welcome.

On a lighter not, I've just spotted what has to be the quote of the year - the president of the Rabbit Companion Society of Australia (yes they actually have one) Ms Nettle talking about the rabbit-bonker Brendan McMahon:
Soon after his arrest McMahon admitted to an addiction to the amphetamine ice but Ms Nettle doubted drugs were solely to blame.
"It didn't happen overnight. You don't take a drug and go 'Mmm, rabbits'.

Rehabilitation at its finest 

So a terminally ill Israeli, imprisoned at Rimutaka, has died in hospital.

The Parole Board earlier this week refused to give him a compassionate release, which begs the question how much more dire a predicament that being brain dead and on life support does it take to be given a compassionate release? Wankers.

Even Justice Minister Phil Goff was saying release the poor guy.

Rumour has it the Israeli, Aviv Atias, attempted to commit suicide although his relatives say his condition was brought about by head injuries he recieved in a hiding he was given in prison several weeks ago.

Once again the success of prison's rehabilitative environment is plain for all to see.

Atias' crime?

Being part of group importing ecstasy - that evil drug whose side-effects are so toxic it last killed a New Zealander in 1998.
Here's what Russell Brown had to say about it back then:
So - New Zealand notches up its first Ecstasy death, occasioning a front page lead in the Herald and all sorts of shock-horror reportage on TV. But woah ... People have been taking Ecstasy and partying in New Zealand for about 10 years. How many young New Zealanders have turned themselves to hamburger driving drunk in that time? How many rapes, assaults and murders as a result of alcohol intoxication? How many cases of paracetamol poisoning?
The sad and somewhat unnerving fact about E is that traumatic and fatal toxic reactions to it are very rare - but almost wholly unpredictable. It could happen to you. In all overwhelming probability it won't - but there's no way of telling.

That hasn't stopped honourable MPs like Jim Anderton (who does not distinguish between GHB and ecstasy in a dishonest attempt to boost his argument) battling to re-classify the drug so as to dish out harsher penalties - "now that's progressive".

FACTS AND FIGURES • Tobacco causes one in four cancer deaths in New Zealand. • At least one-third of the shorter life expectancy of those living in the most deprived areas is accounted for by tobacco consumption. • The decline in the prevalence of smoking among adults has slowed, with only slight gradual decreases during the 1990s. • In 2002, 49% of Maori, 35% of Pacific and 21% of European adults smoked daily. • Smoking rates are highest amongst groups that are most deprived, with smoking rates in decile 10 at 38% as compared to 15% in decile 1. • Occupation strongly correlates with smoking prevalence with smoking rates amongst beneficiaries (male: 42.3%, female: 45.3%) and Blue Collar workers (male: 30.1%, female: 30.6%) significantly higher than those of White Collar workers (male: 19.1%, female: 16.3%). • Cancer is the leading cause of death for Maori women and the second leading cause of death for Maori men. • Lung Cancer is the main cause of death for Maori.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Totally Irresponsible Attempt at Self-Promotion 

Normally I would be inclined to just tell the SPCA get a fucking sense of humour...
The Royal New Zealand SPCA has expressed outrage at a hoax posting on the ‘Trade Me’ website, offering a dolphin for sale by auction.
According to the posting, made from West Auckland, the dolphin was being kept in a swimming pool after being accidentally caught in a net during a weekend fishing trip.
The SPCA describes the hoax as a “totally irresponsible attempt at self-promotion” at the expense of New Zealand’s international reputation as a nation that cares for animals.
“We have been inundated with emails and telephone calls from people concerned both that the dolphin was being kept in a pool and that it was being offered for auction,” says the Royal New Zealand SPCA’s National Chief Executive, Robyn McDonald.

...but since Bloggingitreal is now trying to greedily profiteer from what was designed to be a medium guaranteeing the free flow of information I can proudly announce the Saving Flipper From Fraudulent Expolitation Foundation Fund.

For just 15 easy payments of $24.99 bloggingitreal readers can help support a full-time team of internet trawlers (get it trawlers) who will search the web relentlessly for other dolphin related pranks, which as the SPCA says comes at the "expense of New Zealand’s international reputation as a nation that cares for animals".

Just a couple of questions about the press release though:

Why does the SPCA say: "according to the posting, made from West Auckland...." are they trying to shed a poor light on my westy brothers?

Anything on your conscience Yamis?

And why does the SPCA employ partial quotes in the middle of sentences in its own press releases?
The SPCA describes the hoax as a “totally irresponsible attempt at self-promotion” at the expense of New Zealand’s international reputation as a nation that cares for animals.

Is it part of a cynical ploy to attract journalists' attentions to those very words?

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Blogging It Real introduces "premium content" 

Access to Blogging It Real backissues and latest insightful commentaries from our expert columnists will now require four regular payments of $29.95. But wait, a free set of steak knives if you register now!*

Our new service is much like "premium economy" on Air NZ, except a bigger rip off. For example, subscribers will be able to read Yamis rant about the "nanny state" and "political correctness gone mad" (taking intellectual laziness to all-new levels), Bennyasena recount his historical battles with the bottle, and offering a forthright defence of smoking (in his role as BIR health correspondent), and DC_Red just cut and paste large sections of scripture, and conclude with some banal comment like "If only our politicians took notice of such wisdom" when he's too lazy to actually think of anything to write, or perhaps too busy selecting the most populist, right-wing bullshit for our letters page.

Or you can just subscribe to the Herald's premium service and get all three of these from Garth George, plus that horrible woman from Mount Manganui.

* Promise will not be honoured.

Sport - Making People Happy 

Well, some of them anyway. For others it's pain, suffering, blame and maybe the odd drive-by.

NOTE: If you are about to read this you had better have paid the $29.95 as this is official premium editorial content. We have a regular readership of tens of people and we often get people who have been searching for photos of NRL players naked with their girlfriends and strange sexual devices so the demand is certainly there.

Right, sport. Some random remarks and quotes and linking to other sites. Certainly worth paying money to read.

The 2007 Soccer World Cup sides are beginning to be finalised and there's a few shocks in there. Namely those Out of Africa Over Night (the sequel to Out of Africa). Togo, Ivory Coast and Ghana will all be joining Angola! as the African representatives. While Senegal who played so brilliantly last time, and usual representatives Cameroon and Nigeria have dipped out.

From the victors:
"I'm the happiest person in the world," said musician Emanuel Fofone. "Togo has come through for the first time. For once Togo is the head and not the tail," he added, surrounded by a sea of yellow T-shirts and scarves, the team colours.

There were similar scenes of jubilation in Ivory Coast's main commercial city Abidjan and in Accra, Ghana's capital.

Abidjan exploded in jubilant disbelief as fans who had given up any hope of qualifying realised their Elephants had secured a World Cup place after Cameroon drew 1-1 against Egypt, leaving the Ivorians top of the group.

"We're going to empty the brewery,[wait for me!]" yelled fan Anderson Sery as he hugged his friends.

Abidjan's streets filled with revellers and youths danced in circles at the roadside as residents drummed on pots and pans.

Others crammed into bars to toast Ivory Coast's 3-1 victory against Sudan with a "Drogba", a bottle of beer named after Chelsea player Didier Drogba who scored one of the three goals.

"It's a sign from God [no it's a sign that you are better than those heavyweights Sudan and that Cameroon sucks] to say that peace is coming back to Ivory Coast. It's great, I didn't think it could happen," said student Marie Seogo. She hoped her country, torn into government and rebel zones by a 2002 civil war, would soon be reunited.

In Accra, people punched the air with joy and children danced outside bars after four-time African champions Ghana finally secured a World Cup finals place with a 4-0 victory against Cape Verde [where the fuck is Cape Verde?!].

Taxi drivers honked their car horns while street vendors rushed to sell Ghanaian flags to passing traffic. One man in body paint ran down the street singing.

"Splendid, super, smashing. It is the first time Ghana will be going to the World Cup," said Ghanaian Bob Wilson.

"Economically, socially, politically, it will be good. Football brings people together, it will foster unity."
From the losers:
But elsewhere in West Africa, there was gloom in Cameroon after a dramatic missed penalty cost the Indomitable Lions a record sixth World Cup finals berth.

Nigerian fans were also heart-broken after their side failed to qualify, despite beating Zimbabwe 5-1 in Abuja on Sunday.

But the atmosphere was sombre in Yaounde, after Cameroon, one of the African favourites to go to Germany next year, disappointed their supporters with a 1-1 draw against Egypt.

Thousands who had filled the streets in anticipation of victory, stood in shocked disbelief. Some cried, others smashed bottles of beer in frustration.

There were also subdued scenes in Senegal, who reached the quarter-finals at the last World Cup.
So there you have it. Sport unites and sport divides. It makes happy, it makes sad. Players make money and spectators get ripped off.

For the record these teams have qualified already for Germany:
Ivory Coast

South Korea (though have been playing like shit for 3 years and hardly deserve to have qualified)
Saudi Arabia
* I'm picking first round exits for all these sides this time round. No fairytales in Asia.

England (made it after a 1-0 victory over Austria where Beckham was sent off - first English captain in 133 years to be shown red and the first ever to be sent off twice, and all this from a guy who sounds like posh has her finger up his arse when he talks)
Poland (the Polish supporters I met in Korea last time were cunts after they lost 2-0 to South Korea so may they lose horribly. They got angry with us for supporting Korea instead of Poland! I am living in Korea you dipshits, why should I be supporting Poland?!)



HA! Yeah right.

11 spots still up for grabs.

Possibly one in Asia (half a place actually) with Uzbekistan playing Bahrain with the winner I think having to beat an out of zone side to make it.

Seven more teams from Europe, with it being down to these teams:
Czech Republic (they deserve it because the women in Prague are unfuckingbelievable but have to beat Finland first) or Romania (they deserve it for the orphan children)

Slovakia or Russia will get a playoff spot (but not both)

1 or maybe 2 from the following:
France, Switzerland, Ireland and Israel

Norway have a playoff spot sewn up.

If Sweden beat Iceland they will automatically be through to the WC. If they lose or draw they will be playing off.

Serbia-Montenegro will qualify if they beat Bosnia while Spain can qualify automatically if Serbia fall over or through the playoffs while Bosnia still have a sniff of the playoffs as well.

And Turkey, Denmark and Greece are all fighting over a spot. If Turkey beat Albania they get a playoff spot. If they lose it opens the way for the latter two teams. Greece are unlikely though as they need a win and hope the other two lose. So looks like goodnight to the champions of Euro 2004.

3.5 from N/C America with Costa Rica and Guatemala looking likely.

4.5 from South America with Ecuador and Paraguay nearly there and Uruguay, Colombia or Chile fighting for the right to spit on the Australian team as they arrive at the airport in their away leg of the playoff. That's fucked up actually. I guarantee (having seen a lot of the football) that Australia would easily qualify in Asia so it's good they have made the move. Not only would they qualify in Asia but they could well qualify ahead of all the Asian teams mentioned.

At the Ireland - Cyprus game which Ireland won 1-0 to keep their hopes alive there were 15,000 Irish fans and a few hundred Cypriots. Nothing strange about that you might think excpet that it was in Nicosia the capital of Cyprus. Yep, been there as well.

And I ran a quarter marathon this morning in an hour 5 mins. Actually it was 500 metres over a quarter marathon (11km not 10.5kms). Piss-poor time but considering the extra distance, the undulating course, the fact that it was on narrow pathways, the mud and gravel sections and the weather, my dodgy calf, my right foot that goes to sleep, my lack of training which included two x 20 minute runs, three x 15 minute runs and five x 10 minute runs, and my general lack of guts... it was still a pisspoor time.

By god are my bowels now working over time!

Friday, October 07, 2005

Korean Language Corner: Lesson #1 

Gather round children.

Todays Korean word is "sseep seki" [pronounced "sheep" - with the "sh" harshly and "parl"].

This word means 'spawn of a cunt' (literally). "Sseep" meaning a bad word for vagina and "seki" meaning spawn of.

Times to use "ssep seki".
Well it's probably best used in two general situations. The first is when you are really, really, really angry with somebody and want to get all crazy on their ass. The other situation is when you are joking with friends. For example, your best mate has just down-trowed you in front of some girls at a party (note that you should not get in a car with these drunken fools later as the car will leave the road and kill all of you).

In almost any circumstances if you use this expression to a Korean you will be beaten senseless Taekwondo style unless you are surrounded by many people and they are just a small Korean. In which case they will go and find more Korean friends and then beat your ass.

Join us next time for more fantastic and useful Korean words in "Korean Language Corner".


In the meantime a building fell down while under construction in Korea and killed 9 people. You oughtta see how things get built there. The 11th largest economy in the world can do a mighty fine impersonation of the 3rd world when it wants.


And in Korean corruption corner (there are many naughty children sent to this corner each week)8 executives from Samsung have had travel bans slapped on them because they were involved in the transferring of funds from Samsung Group Chairman Lee kun-hee to his children.


In other important news my wife and I have so far spent $325 on getting passport size photos and medical checkups, blood tests, x-rays etc for her permanent residency application. And fuck it wasn't cheap to get a work visa at the start of the year either. Still to pay for... the results (yes the $325 is just to perform the tests), police checks (again) and fuck knows what else.

And I have to cut down a Norfolk Pine and go and buy some Coruba Jamiaca Rum mon'.


"Beer" is believed to have been consumed by over 83% of the adult population of New Zealand at some stage in their lives and is particularly common amongst young people, slightly older people and slightly older people again, blue collar workers, white collar workers, men, women, retirees, war veterans and celebrities.

"Beer" can be purchased at the "liqour stores" mentioned in last week's exclusive ground-breaking BIR-NZH story. Or it can be purchased and consumed at places known as "bars", "clubs" and "pubs". This wide availability is due to the shameless promotional efforts of beer marketers ("peddlers"), whose product has been identified as a "gateway" drug leading to such menacing products as Mexican "tequila" (made from a cactus - possibly hallucinagenic) and "whisky" (made by evil Scotsmen). Experts warn, however, that beer is dangerous in itself, and it has been linked to obesity, diabetes, heart disease, liver failure, falling down, headaches, vomitting, partying, urination, and staying up late.

Blogging It Real in association with the New Zild Herald can exclusively reveal that a "beer culture" exists in parts of New Zealand, particularly rural and urban areas, in which people arriving at a friend's house are openly offered "a beer" within seconds of knocking on the front door. Occasionally, especially among women, this is substituted for "wine", another noxious drug, apparently made by peasants "stomping" grapes in the bare feet and then fermenting the resulting "juices". (Shockingly, some religious cults use this "wine" in their ceremonies, claiming it possesses "spiritual" significance, with some going as far as to say it can be transubstantiated!)

Blogging It Real calls upon Jim Anderton, Peter Dunnehill and all right-thinking New Zealander print media editors to call for the immediate prohibition of this product. Local coroners joined in the call for possession of beer (sold by the bottle or can) to be an offence punishable by up to 15 years imprisonment, and for suppliers to face castration, and not of the chemical variety, as the possession of castration chemicals is also an imprisonable offence.

Yamis and DC_Red
Senior BIR editors

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Racist or Very Racist: Who Cares, You're Still Racist Don 

In the petty herald today...
Dr Brash conceded that a perception he had a "monocultural assimilationist view" appeared to exist in some quarters, but said it was not true.

Asked if he would do anything differently if campaigning on the issue again, he said: "I might have tried harder to make it clear that I wasn't advocating a monocultural society. I mean, I could hardly advocate a monocultural society, my wife's not European.

"I don't retreat at all from the positions we announced at Orewa but certainly don't want that interpreted as Don Brash favouring an all-European cultural environment, because I don't."
That's right Don. Your wife isn't European. In fact she isn't Maori either. So for you to find a place for her and the hundreds of thousands of non Europeans and non Maori in New Zealand must be pretty hard.

Keep looking though because when they make up the largest voting bloc in NZ along with Maori your party shall be a bit player unless it reinvents itself as New Labour.

And here was me thinking Don was monoculturalist, but no wait, he's not even biculturalist either, he's apparently multiculturalist!!!! That would have to make his campaign the most unclear of all time if he couldn't communicate that once in about 4 months. Don't rewrite history Don. You fucked up big time.


And another thought on an unrelated matter.

Gays cannot marry but straight people can and then commit adultery but be allowed to marry again right Don? Yeah seems logical.


Meanwhile whites receive a 4.1 million dollar government handout over 4 years. Which is not believed to be a full and final settlement. In fact it may occur each four years for the rest of time. Are you as a New Zealander happy to see your tax payer dollars poured into a white hole year after year whilst being up in arms about one off treaty settlements for entire tribes?


And in Wellington a 730 million dollar highway upgrade is planned for the Wellington coast. On the TV news last night the journalist said that on a good day it took about an hour to get to Levin while on a wet friday night it could take two hours!!!

Well whoopdy shit. On a good day it takes 20 minutes from the Auckland CBD to my house and on a wet Friday night it's about three times that at an hour.

Where's the 730 million dollar upgrade for the North-Western motorway? You know, extra lanes, light rail down the middle etc. That's right a third lane won't be added past Lincoln Rd for about a bloody decade if we are lucky despite bottle neck traffic there every morning.

Just kidding y'all.

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