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Monday, July 07, 2008

Minister Banks: "Crown Crime Enterprise launched in Manukau Ward" 2 Feb, 2009 

Rt Hon John Banks
Minister of Crime & Lord Mayor of Auckland
The Beehive

2 Feb 2009

"It is with great pleasure I announce a contract for the first Crown Crime Enterprise in the Manukau Ward of my beloved Greater Real Auckland Mega-Metropolis Area Region ('GRAMMAR')," his Worship said.

The Crown has entered into a contract with the previously-feared Wu Tang Triad of Botany Downs to flight crime in the area.

"This is an important first step in reducing crime in Auckland/GRAMMAR, so cruelly abandoned under nine long years of Labour government.

"By scrapping Working For Families, and diverting money into a series of Crown Crime Enterprises (CCEs), we will deliver significant benefits to those New Zealanders who remain in work," the Minister continued.

Lord Banks said the Wu Tang Triad would fight crime on a maximum 98% of the budget previously wasted by the socialized Police force, but would only be paid upon delivery of wanted criminals, or their heads, to local "Kiwi Incarceration Enterprises" (KIEs), previously known as prisons.

"Wu Tang will later be joined by other crime-fighting groups, such as the the Mighty Purebred Mob Inc., and compete to capture criminals (or their heads) in the Manukau region," the Lord Mayor of Auckland/GRAMMAR and senior government minister stated.

"Together with head of the State Law and Order Restoration Commission (SLORC), Tau Henare, Minister for Roads, Tony Friedlander, and Prime Minister for Life, HRH John Key, this is another example of the National party delivering on its promise of efficiency in these lean times."

"Crown Crime Enterprises may be fully privatized in the near future, to allow those New Zealanders who remain in paid work to contract their own security, according to their own needs, which will ensure safe journeys for all, along highways paved with good intentions and low taxes, to your nearest Crown Health Enterprise (CHE), or to visit a relative in the nearest KIE," the Lord Mayor explained to an adoring audience outside a liquor store on Great South Road.

"We will stop at nothing in paying large American corporations to build new KIEs in every community, and since we scrapped the Resource Management Act (RMA), that's a lot easier than it used to be," added the Minister for the Environment, and Minister for Tight Neckties, Nick Smith.

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