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Friday, June 25, 2004

Thicker than pig shit 

I was drinking alone one evening this week when it finally dawned on me: I'm a loser. What's more I'm not even an average everyday run-of-the-mill loser.

Nope I'm the bottom of the scrap heap: I'm the Caleb Ralph of the All Blacks the Craig McMillan of the Black Caps, the Garth George of journalism.

Avid bloggingitreal followers may have noticed my absence this week although frankly, I doubt any of you gave a damn.

For the past week I've been sweeping up and trying to piece together my shattered self esteem; cruely smashed into a million pieces by this week's IQ-establishing Test The Nation.

I don't know why exactly I was expecting to succeed in the 3 hour television programme.

Despite having barely passed school exams - I found sport and ladies more attractive than studying - I felt up to date with news and thought I'm capable of formulating sound arguments.

But by question 3 of the test I was rapidly coming to grips with the fact that it was going to be a long and arduous evening.

I ended the evening - I'll spare you the detail - with an IQ which the television website describes as: "below the national average. About 25% of people will fall into this category".

They even created some excuses for the apalling performance for me:

"If you thought you should do better, a number of things can affect performance in an IQ test. Your concentration may have been affected by distractions, or you may have been unwell when you sat the test".

I wonder if the above quote is a suicide prevention measure? But come to think of it I do recall a slight cough, and that dynamite-juggling monkey sure did keep catching my eye....

A comment so your anguished post isn't ignored. No, wait, pity won't be welcome. Uhh, it's just the weed man, just the weed...

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