The Lineup
B.I.R. Column Of Fame
Man of Steel... Wood... and Mud: Bear Grylls
Rock Legend: Tom Morello

League Gods: The Emperor and Alfie

Str-8 Shoota: Malcolm X

Str-8 Shoota: Zack de la Rocha

Super Bad mofo's

Comrade Hillary

Friday, February 29, 2008

The Not Sure What to Title it Post 

Couple of things.

Firstly, tonight on TV2 we have American Idol at 8:30, and at 9:30 American Psycho. Was that on purpose by some crafty 'programmer' or just a coincidence. Either way you could flip the titles. Half of those on Idol are indeed psycho's and there's a certain amount of 'idol' in aspects of Christian Bale's outstanding performance as a mass murdering, humping, big city playa.

Secondly, who put the TV ad together about women's health where the Pacific Island women jump into a van to go off to get a smear test? or some other 'women's issue' but none of them bother to put a seat belt on.

I'd say they are just as likely to be killed in an accident as they are of dying of cancer in the next 10 minutes. Nice effort at portraying Pacific Island culture though. I see half a dozen Pacific Island women laughing in a van with no seatbelts on all the time.

Have a nice weekend.

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Darth Watch: High Times Indeed 

Ole Smokey has been positively salivating this year at the prospect of a National Government. Finally, there will be an outlet for his brand of small-minded conservatism beyond the NZ Herald. Official recognition, even. Darth George for Minister of Climate Change!

Let's have a look at this week's effort: after the obligatory lengthy quotes (always good for the old word count eh Darth?), he launches into anti-intellectualism. This is standard fare for conservatives in New Zealand, who have long bewailed the presence of teachers, lecturers and former trade union officials in the Labour Party caucus ("a goodly number of our ruling politicians for the past eight years are also erstwhile academics" points out a clearly "scared" Darth). Why these professions are somehow inferior to the former farmers, small town accountants, and (more recently) retired currency speculators who make up the National caucus is a mystery to me.

Onwards and upwards though: there's a quick mention of abortion (for no apparent reason), a gripe about MMP (better when National could win elections when they had fewer votes than Labour eh, Darth - like in '78 and '81?), but settles on "government interference in our daily lives with the imposition of legislation that has arisen from ideas that have quickly become ideologies."

"What the fuck is Darth on about?", you might well ask. Was not National motivated by an uncompromising ideology known as "neoliberalism" last time we had the misfortune to see it in office? (Albeit tempered by other ideologies - known as "pragmatism" and "populism" from 1994-99).

Darth suggests an unwilling public "swallowed" civil unions, "choked on" the legalisation of prostition, and is now "flatulent" in the face of the "ideology" of human-induced climate change. Yes, flatulent.

That would be the same type of climate change that John Key now professes to believe in.

But for Darth, and - he suggests - the public at large, the final straw was the anti-smacking bill. The bill that was apparently a product of Labour/Green ideology, and the exemplar par excellence of the Government's "arrogant and overbearing treatment of New Zealanders."

That would be the exact same bill supported in the House by EVERY SINGLE FUCKING MEMBER OF THE NATIONAL PARTY, YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER TOOL.

By all means support the Bill's opponents (Act, that dork who used to be in United Future, and NZ First) if you must ... but don't give National a free ride when it supported the bill.


Thursday, February 28, 2008

More top police work 

They make u-turns at will.

Upon completing a quick search of the BIR archive, I see we have frequently made comment on such idiocy on the part of the police. For poor driving, idiotic prosecutions, and both of the above.

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Herald Really Taking the Piss 

Seriously, have they ever been referred to as New Zealand's "First Couple"? I'm talking about Helen Clark and her husband Peter Davis.

I love this bit from the 'article', if you'd dare grace it with that term:
An online poll at found 80 per cent of the 3000 respondents by 10
o'clock last night believed Labour was to blame for its polling troubles, 16 per
cent blamed "the media" and 4 per cent National.

That's a bit like the Greens trumpeting a survey which said that 80% of respondents want more land protected and more renewable sources of energy, taken from folks starting the Milford Track.

News flash for the cocks at NZ Herald. Most of your readers vote National, most of them are wealthy (enough to afford the internet), and do not live in South Auckland (and therefore since they never get surveyed your poll results will always be shit meaning a tidy wee shock for you when that real one comes out every three years). If your polls had any credibility at all Labour wouldn't have had 9 years in power because at the last election you consistently had National out in front and WTF happened?

Go poll Otara and Avondale fleamarkets. Or better yet my house. 100% Green Bro!

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Lazy media still easily outraged 

Lazy & outraged 1:
Continued use of "flicking" to describe (or, rather, downplay) alleged assault of a child. I am tempted to counteract this by describing the event, about which I know as little as the Herald, as "a full-blooded, closed-fist, round-house punch to the side of the head."

Lazy & outraged 2:
New guy in representative sports team gets drunk, injures self, makes arse of self ... can't play again for some time.

This momentous event in the history of the nation, and indeed, all sport everywhere in the world, clearly demands the lead story on Prime News, lead on TV3, lead on TV1, in all the sports news as well, then lead Campbell Live and lead Close Up, before being in Crowd Goes Wild as well. Astute comments here.

Would that the non-sensical blatherings of a certain opposition leader attract half as much critical attention.

Lazy & outraged 3:
Colin Espiner doesn't know (or care) that an election requires the dissolution of Parliament.

Lazy & outraged 4:
The "poor little us!" routine from the National Herald this morning, after it came in for some mild-mannered criticism from Clark and Davis. I think the editor doth protesth too much.

But I hope the "First Couple" (what?) feel better, because criticism of the media, even when richly deserved, only ever makes things worse.

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Couch surfing in Havana 

Dear folks,

I’m so very sorry for missing our fourth birthday. I have been in Havana, subsisting without pants (gracias a Air Canada for loosing my bags for four days) and without confirmed accommodation (gracias a onslaught of pasty-middle-class tourists that sold out all of Cuba’s hotels). So I do apologize for not being around, and I hope that the lads saved me some birthday cake, while I was couch surfing in Havana. Mind you, I know that Yamis is a guy who likes his cake, so I won’t be disappointed if it is all gone.

By now you’ve heard the news. Fidel Castro is no longer governing the country. It’s official now. The truth of the matter is that he has not governed it for close to two years, and some of the most important economic and social programs have been deployed since 2002 without his direct supervision.

I was in Havana when the news of Fidel’s retirement came. And when it came? Nothing. Not a single thing out of the ordinary. The sun rose, people went to work, and life carried on. After all, the real good-bye Fidel party took place in December 2006 in the form of a delayed 80th birthday party.

Not to gloat, but this is exactly what I said (August 02, 2006) would happen here on this blog. Did the world pay attention? Nope.

On February 19th, a CNN reporter, at three in the morning, was seen on a deserted street in old Havana. He was bantering something to the extent that, “Yes, I’m standing here in the middle of Havana, and it is still pretty quiet, because everyone is still asleep. We are waiting for the onslaught of chaos to ensue tomorrow morning when people wake up and read the papers.”

For 50 years now the Western Media has forecasted the mass upheaval of Cuban society with the departure of Fidel Castro. The U.S. State Department has thought the same. Even the CIA believed it so, and with multiple assassination attempts against Fidel, they hoped that the entire society would fall open to the warm, and glowing, embrace of U.S. Capitalism.

These people are truly stupid. They are stupid in the sense that they have not learned a single thing about Cuban society or its politics for about half a century. And it came down to some poor CNN reporter standing in the deserted street with his dick in the wind trying to convince the world that the counter revolution was about ready to bleed out of the walls.

To me, this is a fascinating time in the sense of watching how the western media handles the normalcy of the post-Castro era. How will they manage to back-pedal on so many years of false prophecy?

And what of the public imagination? So many people in Canada tell me that they want to go to Cuba “before Castro dies.” Well, there’s still time for that. Even the loveable cab driver that took me to Montréal’s airport told me of such personal desire.
It is a little worrisome to see how unequipped media and popular perception is in understanding Cuba, and even the world we live in. We could dig deeper into this, but it largely comes down to how people see orchestrated and monumental movements as the moments of a society’s change rather than an infinite series of presents that all, in some way, create an unfolding path of change.

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Is John McCain dumber than George W. Bush? Bobert: “Probably so!” 

The Republican front-runner, John McCain, is truly stupid. This man is so dumb that he cannot even tell who he has been tortured by. The man was a captive during the Vietnam War, and while undergoing a series of abuses, he somehow figured that Cubans had a role in beating him in a Vietnamese prison.

I don’t mean to play the race card here, but I’m pretty sure that most people, even at first glance, can tell the difference between a gentleman from Vietnam and a gentleman from Cuba. But not John McCain.

Now, we could run a quick survey through Iraq, Afghanistan, and Guantanamo Bay, to see if torturees know who their torturers are. My guess is that it would be a unanimous, “yes, we know who is torturing us.”

And this is why John McCain is possibly dumber than George W. Bush. At least Bush can hang an Ivy League diploma on his wall and take credit for one of the greatest acts of manufactoring myth and consent in the American Public since Pearl Harbour.

McCain can’t even tell the difference between Tiếng Việt nam and Español. Because there would be no way of getting this confused in the midst of the Vietnam War. There were only a handful of Cuban doctors assisting with the North Vietnamese army in the 1970s, and no formal diplomatic relationships were established with the two countries until the mid-1970s. Hence, the exchange of Cuban personnel, which has always been grounded through diplomatic channels with foreign nations, to Vietnam began after McCain spent his time in the "Hanoi Hilton," (as it was nick-named) and even then, Cuban personnel were not in combat, or police roles.

It’s one thing for the republican front-runner to tell fibs, and have Bobert make fun of him and show him wrong, but the hypocrisy of this man and the Republican Party is certainly another thing. Pointing fingers at Cuba for torture? How about pointing your finger no further than the current administration?

It is a serious fucking mystery to me as to why the entire Bush Administration is not in jail, the U.S. society is not in a state of burning revolution and the Republican Party is not permanently disbanded.

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Saturday, February 23, 2008

Breaking Droughts and all that Shit 

What do you know. Been an Indian summer (maybe global warming is connected to the number of Indians on the planet increasing or more and more settling in NZ?) and then low and behold my teams first cricket game gets washed out this morning. Forecast looks good for Christchurch though for the 'half decider' this afternoon. Not that we will remember the result beyond a few weeks.

The NRL needs to get up and running so we can compare the original rugby league with the new rugby league, otherwise known as the 2008 Super 14.

Right, thats it from me. I think I'm going to sit round and do nothing all day. Just what I deserve after getting through a full week at school where my average class size is 30!!! My senior classes are over 30 with my Year 13 class at 33. So much for reducing class sizes. Our school runs some extra programs which take teachers out of the classroom but they seem to be working quite well given our NCEA results are on the up each year. The government provides some funding for one or two of them but at the end of the day it means our class sizes are way up because we can't afford to employ any more teachers.

The government(s) really need to get with the program and start getting serious about education. Internationally we are pretty mediocre with our funding for it but our results are right up there with the best but they need to wake up and realise that this isn't the 1970s where wooden box classrooms with 4 lights, a teacher and a box of books would keep you up with the modern world. These days to be at the forefront you need top facilities, top technology (internet connections, computers, data projectors...) fund school programs that enhance learning fully (like Te Kotahitanga) AND make sure that on top of all this schools can limit class sizes to around 25, especially senior classes where the credits need to be rolling in not students rolling in, and rolling in, and rolling in.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Doing something about the problem 

The recent government initiative against tagging has attracted criticism from the likes of NRT and Keith Ng. It's discriminatory, it's a waste of police resources, it doesn't address the 'cause' of the problem, it marginalizes youth, it's political theatre in the media spotlight, etc.

But really, these objections mean little to me. The current policy isn't working. Tagging is reaching absolutely epidemic levels in some Auckland suburbs. The new Owen G. Glenn building in the city was tagged on the weekend (and no, not with some witty political statement, but with the usual dross). It's not just a few "walls" being marked in a manner akin to a dog marking its territory (which actually does no harm except to the most delicate of perennials). Taggers are defacing all manner of public and private property: fences, walls, street signs, power poles (yep), sidewalks, bridges, overpasses, shops, bus stops, and pretty much every fucking flat surface. Even a few tree trunks in the reserve at the bottom on my street.

What's curious is that, in my neighbourhood at least, the problem has exploded like a spray can in the microwave over the last few weeks, since the infamous "death sentence for taggers" case in Manukau. Such widespread and malicious defacing of public and private property alike is expensive and unacceptable.

I'm with International Observer:
Everyone who thinks 'tagging isn't that bad and we shouldn't be labeling these kids as criminals' can erect a sign on their fence saying "Tagging OK Here!". The government can issue these signs to anyone who wants one, and kids can be free to tag those 'authorised' walls as they please. And to protect the rest of us, the Government can pass a law imposing severe penalties on anyone who tags an unauthorised wall (or requests an Official Sign and puts it on a wall other than their own).

Too fucking right. If you are sympathetic to taggers, get a sign and let them ruin your property. That includes you, Turia: you're welcome to encourage "resistance" and "alternative points of view" on your own property. Otherwise, get out of the way of those who are trying to do something about the problem.

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Here's Looking at you.... kids. 

Thanks for the kind birthday wishes. Now fuck off and stop looking at our blog. It's mean't to be private reflections.

yeah whatever.

If you are stuck at work tomorrow or have your hand on the pump or some other object that you are pumping errr.... check out our friends at sportsfreaks 4th ODI web commentary. Was pretty funny last time round. Even if you can't follow it live you can still go back afterwards and read through to relive those great moment like Coldplays 6 consecutive french cuts for 4 or Vettori actually turning the ball.

Check it here, here or here.

Might take you a while to work out the nicknames. Here's some starters. Coldplay = Chris Martin well deerrrrrrr, English Tendulkar = Bopara who reckons he is it, oxymoron = sidebottom... good luck with the rest.

And my god random, the Bulldogs are a bloody laugh aren't they? I mean I've always liked watching them play because of their style ie, hard out attack, and a total gonad dropping tendency the second the opposition starts standing up to them but hell, their off field shit is awesome. Who needs soap operas when we have the NRL off season and week night dramas to fill our TVs?

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Saturday, February 16, 2008

Chug-a-lug, it's our 4th birthday 

So many quality posts since Feb 16, 2004. Yamis was our first contributor: a carefree young man holidaying from Korea, he complained about the rain in Auckland.

Then I chimed in about the rain in Vancouver.

Exciting suff. Bobert was my apprentice at the time, and would join the crew later, as would crime-fighting young journo Bennyasena.


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

When to hold 'em, when to fold 'em 

Posted on behalf of Bennyasena:

John Key paying $1.47 to win the election at centrebet.

HC paying $2.60.

Good performance there from Key considering I can't think of one thing he's done or one policy that's significantly different.

[Editor's note: I think he is willing to mouth a prayer at Waitangi to a deity he doesn't believe in, which HC won't. And hongi with Maori radicals with dubious enthusiasm for firearms. HC also steers clear of this.]

[Editor's note numero dos: anyone else wondering if John Key is like Hillary Clinton - both run for office because they can (and because they can win), not because they appear to believe in anything? To clarify: I would still rather see Hillary in the White House than a Republican, but she, like John, appears to be, well, hollow.]

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Monday, February 11, 2008

Fire in the hole 

I can't be bothered watching Campbell LIVE tonight but in the ads for it he has a line referring to the NZers in London getting on the piss for Waitangi Day saying that they are acting like West Aucklanders. I strongly resent that. I know very few fellow West Aucklanders that could afford to go to London!

Not to mention most of the drunken shit head behaviour that I saw by Kiwis on van tour 6 years ago was by Kiwis from small NZ towns.

They were embarrasing to be associated with. They would be hell to pay if people in NZ actually saw the disrespect for local people and the trashing of camp grounds and fucking it all up for those that followed.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Good grief, New Zealand 

The long-awaited Ikea store (which would be an excellent addition to the retail landscape, especially in the currently over-priced furniture department) can't go to Mount Wellington because it might ... um, generate traffic. No shit. After it took me 50 minutes to get to work this morning, instead of the 20 minutes I was enjoying until last week, I suggest the Environment Court refuse resource consent for schools.

Apparently there were just two windows to pick-up pre-paid tickets at Eden Park for the T-20. The organizers of the event blame people not turning up early enough and being unfamiliar with the "intricacies" of Eden Park. Which rather disregards the idea that people generally, um, work on weekdays. Y'know that thing you do until at least 5pm, and quite often 6? As one disgruntled fan put it, "Do they assume that as they already have our money we will accept this?" Yes, that's exactly what they expect.

Right-wing talking point of the week is that Clark was cowardly in not attending all the events at Waitangi while Key looked prime ministerial. Audrey Young notes that previous visits have seen the PM and Labour MPs subjected to (1) accusations of treason, and associated death threats; (2) being shouted down by the usual suspect; (3)jostled by aggressive assholes; (4) perhaps most disgustingly, sprayed with urine. In the face. And add to that (5) Don Brash being pelted with mud, to which he replied rather wittily, "nice shot", but to which he would have been perfectly entitled to reply: "fuck off you little fucking c8nt".

If I'd had similar experiences in a place I wouldn't set foot in it. Quite why those responsible for law and order in New Zealand have let events like that unfold in the past is beyond me.

And for a little Darthwatch, this week he blames primary teachers for not "sorting out the little shits early enough" (although he doesn't deem to provide us with his thoughts on how this might be done); expresses support for more "real men" (read: heterosexuals) in primary school teaching; raises the old right-wing bugbear of performance-based pay for teachers (without suggesting even one criteria by which said performance might be measured); bashes teachers' unions; and prattles on about the government-in-waiting.


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Wednesday, February 06, 2008


I went to the game v England at Eden Park. It was a decent night out.

The people were right about the queues though. We got there and saw a massive line with hundreds of people in it to get in but then realised that was for people collecting their tickets. We already had ours so walked straight in basically. But the lines for beer were ridiculous. There was one guy serving and about 60+ people in the line and that was the bar for over half of the main South Stand. I moved about half a metre in a few minutes and gave up. Went back during the NZ innings and it only took 5 minutes or so but nobody wants to miss the game so the fucktards didn't think to have two or three people serving and more than one till in between innings or before the game started.

They also missed out on some serious bucks by making it general admission meaning that basically the entire ground was sold out but around 10-20% of the seats were empty because they couldn't actually sell it out I suppose for saftey reasons. Theres a qoute about a piss up in a brewery that springs to mind.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Nothing Worth Stealing 

Graham Henry's house burgled
6:00AM Saturday February 02, 2008
All Black coach Graham Henry's Auckland home was burgled last week. It is understood several other houses in the area were also burgled. Several small items were taken, including a laptop computer belonging to Henry's son.

I wonder if they also stole his rotation policy, his reconditioning programme, and his strategy. They must be worth several dollars.

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